THE HANGOVER

title: THE HANGOVER

year: 2009

cast: Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Justin Bartha

rating: **1/2

Such a great initial investment with likable, often hilarious characters and a clever premise: four buddies journey to Vegas for a bachelor party and three wake up hungover, not remembering anything. The groom-to-be is missing and there's a tiger and baby in their suite. So they must find their friend by figuring what they did the night before. The first half, as the mystery unfolds, is fantastic. The last half, as the clues get solved and more and more seemingly impossible over-the-top situations involving a gay Asian drug lord, a police taser demonstration, and ex-champ Mike Tyson pan out, it loses any and all charm. The characters seemed too realistic and relatable to become comic book fodder. They deserved better.

HALLOWEEN (2007)

title: HALLOWEEN

year: 2007

cast: Malcom McDowell

director: Rob Zombie

rating: **

Rob Zombie serves up human beings as fodder, most of them so overly vapid, annoying or evil they're just begging to die. The legendary Michael Myers gets a forty-five minute back-story as a little boy who's about as scary as Jodie Foster in those old Coppertone ads. He's picked on by bullies, has a stripper mom and a white trash cliche-spouting step-father, and eventually goes on a killing spree, gets locked up in an insane asylum, and fifteen years later resembles Cousin It on steroids. He breaks out after slaughtering more deserving-victims, returns to the dilapidated house of his youth, dons his trusty (and iconic) William Shatner mask, and like the John Carpenter film in which this is based: wanders the suburbs in search of his long-long sister. Malcom McDowell's Dr. Loomis is a greedy capitalist who, after having treated Myers for years, pens a best-seller and becomes like a double-agent in a CIA film: find Myers or lose everything. The character Laurie Strode, the focal-point of the original, is but a side-character. And her banal teenage friends, all written to be massacred with no interesting or memorable personality traits (each spouting forgettable filler dialog), become more pudding in the pie. How many times can one stab a human being, and how is this scary? Rob knows a thing or two about shock and gore, but doesn't build an eerie enough stage to merit genuine (implied) horror. Too much lightning without thunder.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

title: FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

year: 2008

cast: Jason Segal, Kirstin Bell

rating: *

That sarcastic yet vacant way of repeating-the-question in order to question-the-answer that "Hurley" does successfully in LOST is done horribly here - about a million times over - by glib dullard Jason Segal, who somehow, despite looking like Peter Berg and Garry Shandling's lovechild... after breaking up with (and being broken-hearted over) the most gorgeous blonde on earth (named Sarah Marshall) beds down with a handful of other hotties and then meets the most beautiful brunette in the universe and we're supposed to actually feel for this guy? I guess when you're in Hollywood, being a loser is much different than real life. This SWINGERS FOR DUMMIES might possibly be the worst film I've seen in a very long while. Judd Apatow, I'm begging you, buy your soul back!!!

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

title: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

year: 2004

cast: Jon Hedder

rating: *

The Antichrist of modern comedies, this popular, beloved indie assumes we all adore the title character enough to allow anything and everything to be funny simply because... it's there. If you desire a legitimately moving and thoroughly entertaining slice-of-hellish-small-town-life experience centering on a really ugly kid out-of-step with classmates and family, watch the '90s flick WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE, where the put-upon hero (or in that case, heroine) isn't let off the hook by dancing in front of the campus, one of the biggest cop-outs in underdog-teen-film history. Never before have I witnessed a more "loaded" movie - as if Napoleon himself is creating his own propaganda. And the side-characters are so extremely "odd and quirky", placed like contrived miniatures within an equally-forced bizarro-world setting, they soon become typical and ordinary, and downright tiresome.

COLLATERAL

title: COLLATERAL

year: 2002

cast: Tom Cruise, Jamie Fox

director: Michael Mann

rating: **1/2

Not really a fan of Jamie Fox, sometimes a Tom Cruise fan and haven't liked a Michael Mann flick in ages (and despised "Heat"), so I didn't think I'd enjoy this movie but I really dug the first hour. Tom Cruise, with a frosted buzz and robotically-adaptive intensity (he hasn't been this good in ages) is Vincent, a hit man who hires a dreamer cabbie Max (Fox) to drive him to each of his kills... with a gun to his head Max complies on this odyssey and it's a skillfully-paced cat-and-mouse game until half-way through when things morph into a typical big-budget high-octane "pumping action thriller" with an stunningly unrealistic shootout in a crowded rave-nightclub and a drawn-out climax involving Vincent (who, at this point, has become Freddy Kruger) going after Max's dreamgirl. It's a damn shame. Things were genuinely amazing for that first hour, providing a laidback, dialog-driven, psychologically-intense neo-noir mob flick by Michael Mann who, I guess, felt he had to channel Michael Bay to drive things home... And it takes a long time to get there.

HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

title: HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

year: 2002

cast: Sig Haig, Michael J. Pollard, Erin Daniels, Karen Black

writer/director: Rob Zombie

rating: *

I enjoyed the purposely-cheesy dialog in the beginning, with Sig Haig and Michael J. Pollard as two hicks in the middle of nowhere. Haig is "Captain Spaulding", a cocky trickster in clown garb who runs a gas station/oddity-museum/freak-show and... well... Pollard sort of disappears after a robbery occurs, blood is spilt in a Tarantino fashion and then two couples (who seem from the nineties yet it's set in the seventies) happen upon this odd little town and are very deserving to be butchered, you know, like in all horror movies. But these folks are simply BEGGING for it - and the hick family who takes them in seem more than willing to oblige. Rob Zombie really knows his stuff; though I'm still not sure what it is. Along with THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE I'm sure he was inspired by Troma's MOTHER'S DAY, which has murderous hillbillies pointlessly torturing and killing innocent city folk in a lot more coherent fashion, and without random images flashing like a music video. There's too much going on to be scary; too much gore to be fun. The oddball clan (of which veterans Karen Black and Dennis Fimple are members) are more cartoonish than creepy. The main baddie resembles a concert pianist possessed by Beetlejuice. And the prop-saturated town in which the targeted victims are hunted feels like Tim Burton's version of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, with entrails. If only the entire film took place in Captain Spaulding's bizarro lair... It was a lot cooler, scarier and way more inspired than anything that followed...

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

title: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

year: 2005

cast: Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Randy Quaid, Anne Hathaway

director: Ang Lee

rating: *1/2

Politically-correct types, in their usual knee-jerk manner, defending anything having to do with homosexuality, will shout these words if any related subject is brought up: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". So if someone is to say: "There's a film about two young men who fall in love", they'll shout: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". And in that, I totally agree. Yet if someone just happens to point out: "This movie is weak with no real plot and two shallow characters with no reason to be attracted to each other, other than both being attractive and alone on a lonely mountain"... I guess "IT DOESN'T MATTER". But it does to me, because any romance - whether centered on a man and woman - woman and woman - or man and man - has to be more than just "groundbreaking". There needs both chemistry and reason for that chemistry, so that the relationship, continuing to grow despite the odds, will truly and genuinely... MATTER!

BRUNO

title: BRUNO

year: 2009

cast: Sacha Baron Cohen

rating: ***

Putting aside the fact that every situation is contrived, and all the "participants" are obviously in on the joke, this is actually a funny movie about a gay Austrian wannabe fashionista's odyssey to become not just famous, but VERY famous. He does just about anything it takes, including becoming straight, for this seemingly impossible goal, and while the situations aren't always hilarious they are entertaining, and throughout the "skits", some of which are jabs at celebrities, like adopting a black child for publicity, and religion, like meeting with pastors who "make men straight", there is an actual love story that, bizarre as it seems in the buildup, becomes the very thing that bookmarks the film into something that feels legit despite the platform of setup, strikingly bogus interviews and confrontations. Just forget it's trying to seem real and you'll find yourself addicted to the main character's "stranger in a straight land" dilemma. The real humor lies in our hero Bruno's stubborn drive to keep his hectically flamboyant focus intact despite it working against him.

ORANGE COUNTY

title: ORANGE COUNTY

year: 2002

cast: Colin Hanks, Jack Black, Chevy Chase, Jane Adams

rating: *1/2

This movie suffers from what many modern (post 2000) slacker comedies are stricken with: the "Anything Goes" syndrome. There are few bounds in this independent film directed by Jake "Son of Lawrence" Kasdan, featuring cameos from Chevy Chase, Lily Tomlin and Lawrence's own stock actor, Kevin Kline. The story centers on a young man from... yep, Orange County, California (where I live), who spends his careless youth surfing and partying; then reads a book that "changes his life" and, along with a dream to become a writer, really wants to attend Stanford University to meet the book's author who works there. Along the way this desire (i.e. the plot) is outshined by the wacky side-characters, including two Beavis and Buttheadish surfer pals; a drunk mother (Catherine O'Hara) married to a crippled old man; a selfish father (John Lithgow) married to a gorgeous young "trophy"; and a stoner brother played by Jack Black (who's not in the movie as much as is promoted) - all vying to outdo each other on screen. When the main character - played by bland Colin Hanks, son of Tom - finally arrives at the college of his dreams, within ten minutes he's accidently given the dean of admissions (a portly Harold Ramis) enough "X" to blind a horse, and to top it off, his zany drugged-out brother (using every stoner cliche in the book including the usual "WOW!") burns the admissions building to the ground. Nothing really matters at this point, and yet we have another (drawn-out and totally useless) half-an-hour to go. All the things that should have been peripheral eccentricities, which end up leaping to the foreground of every scene, are symptoms of that disease I already mentioned: "Anything Goes"... Which can be, as in this case, fatal. That is, without that one cure, substance... Something this movie has very little of.

THE DARK KNIGHT

title: THE DARK KNIGHT

year: 2008

cast: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine

rating: *

My reviews usually insert a brief description of the plot, but since there's about a thousand plots I'll start with the man of the hour, the late Heath Ledger who, as said in interviews, was inspired by Malcom McDowell's performance in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, but seems more like Rip Taylor channeling Paul Lynde imitating Johnny Depp impersonating a demented circus clown. Now a violently gay joker I don't mind, but he should at least have a backstory or purpose. Then again this entire film - set in a Gotham City that looks like Manhattan - has no purpose at all. Christian Bale delivers his lines like a porn star Hal 9000; and Mayor Harvey "Two-Face" Dent goes from friendly, highly-energetic politician to sinister villain for no other reason than getting blown up and deformed - REASON being another thing this film lacks... although there's tons of expensive flash to keep rabid "graphic novel" fans wide-eyed, mouths gaping for more. But for someone who likes a coherent storyline no matter what the genre, it's two-and-a-half hours of PURE TORTURE.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL 3D

title: A CHRISTMAS CAROL 3D

year: 2009

cast: Jim Carrey, Bob Hoskins

director: Robert Zemekis

rating: **

Amazing how much a modern 3D movie can put you RIGHT THERE, like you're experiencing every nook and cranny as a nearby observer. But that's also the problem. Everything happens as if being spied upon - taking away from any story being told... much less a classic one. I never felt the journey - of a grumpy, stingy old man being shown his past, present and future by three ghosts - had any other reason to change Scrooge from a nasty coot to the nicest guy in the world other than the fact he got the piss scared out of him by formidable CGI specters. It had little to do with his neglected childhood, his selfish present state or outlook on Christmas, his doomed future... or a little crippled boy named Tim. (Being shrunk to the size of a walnut and chased around by the Grim Reaper and his demonic black horses would have turned Hitler into a Care Bear too.) Nothing was special about Scrooge's redemption other than the fact he was forced on a trip through hell and was glad to be alive at the end. The point of the Dicken's tale is that Scrooge is SHOWN these things that alter his outlook, not force-fed them. While director Robert Zemekis got his money's worth of CGI, he overlooked everything else.