WHO'S HARRY CRUMB?

year: 1988

cast: John Candy

rating: **1/2

Though only providing a few light chuckles, the non-stop adventure of the title character going from place to place i.e. situation to situation slowly figuring out who kidnapped the beautiful daughter of a rich man while learning he's not that incapable filling the shoes at his family-owned detective agency, but always screwing things up, is a decent time-filler. It's John Candy's FLETCH and, while paling to that particular classic starring Chevy Chase, both flicks taking the Film Noir "snoop" genre into the realm of '80s comedy, the late tubby star is given a few moments to shine even if the script is, for the most part, pretty lackluster. But the characters interact well, especially Candy and Shawnee Smith as the younger sister of the kidnapped. You'll be entertained.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

title: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

year: 2004

cast: Jon Hedder

rating: *

The Antichrist of modern comedies, this popular, beloved indie assumes we all adore the title character enough to allow anything and everything to be funny simply because... it's there. If you desire a legitimately moving and thoroughly entertaining slice-of-hellish-small-town-life experience centering on a really ugly kid out-of-step with classmates and family, watch the '90s flick WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE, where the put-upon hero (or in that case, heroine) isn't let off the hook by dancing in front of the campus, one of the biggest cop-outs in underdog-teen-film history. Never before have I witnessed a more "loaded" movie - as if Napoleon himself is creating his own propaganda. And the side-characters are so extremely "odd and quirky", placed like contrived miniatures within an equally-forced bizarro-world setting, they soon become typical and ordinary, and downright tiresome.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

title: YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

year: 1975

cast: Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle

director: Mel Brooks

rating: *1/2

Loving the first two 1930's Frankenstein movies directed by James Whale, there's one segment I enjoyed that parodies those classics, wherein various scenes dissolve in and out quickly (which happens in a lot of old movies - individual scenes lasting only five seconds before fading into a new one) involving a man running into a tree while cautiously creeping through the fog. I think that might have been the only time I laughed out loud. Gene Wilder can be a nifty comedic actor and this movie looks terrific - almost like a Whale production in itself - and quite often I'd forget it was a satire at all. It seemed as if everyone involved in the cast and crew were so happy working together that a really tight script, or really strong punch lines, simply didn't matter. Aided by the gorgeous black and white cinematography and because of the talent involved (including Wilder in the title role, Peter Boyle as the Monster, and Maeline Kahn, as the volt-haired Bride, once again given way too much freedom to adlib), the magic would win out in the end. And I guess, since this is not only considered Mel Brooks best and funniest film (Blazing Saddles is so much better) but one of the premiere comedies ever made, everyone but me gets the last laugh. But for the most part it felt like being at an office party where I didn't work or stuck at someone else's class reunion.

STRAIGHT TIME (NO BEAST SO FIERCE)

year: 1978
rating: ****1/2

Being that it's a film about an ex-convict just outta jail and back on the streets, it could be argued that a seemingly "tougher" actor play the main role...

Only STRAIGHT TIME centers on the determined-stubbornness of the career criminal as opposed to how strong he is. Dustin Hoffman, as scruffy hedgehoggish Max Dembo, portrays the con as someone who, though he may try at first, simply cannot change. At first it has to do with his bullying parole officer, played with subtle villainous perfection by M. Emmet Walsh (who's just as stubborn on the other side of the coin), who pushes Max over the edge...

But then its the fact he just can't hold a job unless it has to do with sticking up liquor stores, robbing pawn shops, banks and eventually a jewelry store...

Max realizes, even though he has a dream girl played byTheresa Russell, that the life of crime is the only thing he does well...

Hoffman has played many eclectic roles, disappearing into most; but here he's right up front as an urban loser who sees only what he's after. Hoffman's criminal isn't a muggy goon, but rather, a selfish jerk (with some "brat" thrown in) - things usually left out of con flicks and replaced with muscular tattoos.

Hoffman's Max is working class as opposed to badass: wielding with wormlike precision the skills of a trade that could possibly merit a big payoff, which isn't easy; as a bonus we experience the meticulous planning for each caper. Gary Busey and Harry Dean Stanton, as his ex-convict buddies, both, like Hoffman, are more badger than wolverine, fitting with the realistic aura of the piece...

But what makes this movie truly shine is how each scene dealing with Dembo's progression (or regression) keeps the viewer not only entertained but thoroughly engrossed in the outcome (Hoffman taking his time while robbing the bank and jewelry store will put you on the edge of your seat, and just as frustrated as partner Harry Dean Stanton... It was Hoffman's choice to drag both scenes, adding tension I've never experienced during any cinematic heist). And of course, much credit can be given to writer Edward Bunker (Mr. Blue from "Reservoir Dogs), the real life/lifelong convict-author who co-wrote the script based on his first novel NO BEAST SO FIERCE. It's a terrific read but I like the movie even better.

FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN

title: FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN

year: 1943

cast: Lon Chaney Jr., Bela Lugosi, Maria Ouspenskaya

rating: **

Find a way to get two interesting characters together and see what develops could be the setup for either a stage play or a porno film. Here, in what I assumed (at that time) was a much anticipated meeting of the monsters, The Wolf Man seems to be alive - that is, he's not in his grave - and "Frankenstein" is frozen in ice. Wolfie, chased by an angry mob, finds Frank, thaws him out, and now they're both being hunted. Weak doesn't begin to describe it. Lon Chaney is a bag of hammers and plaster-masked Bela Lugosi's doing a Boris Karloff impression, and badly.

THE WOLF MAN

year: 1941

cast: Lon Chaney Jr., Claude Rains, Ralph Bellamy, Bela Lugosi, Maria Ouspenskaya

rating: ***

Moody and atmospheric sums this up wonderfully; alas, there's not much more. Gorgeously hypnotic to look at and a somewhat involving experience but there's not enough adventure, or... um... scary parts. Lon Chaney Jr. is, they say, a classic actor... but he reminds me of "Sam the Butcher" from "The Brady Bunch", only taller (no offense to Allan Melvin). The poem about the wolf bane is (annoyingly) repeated more times than the word "sex" in PORKY'S and... well it's wonderfully photographed and Chaney's rudimentary transformation is cool (the neat collage right before the tip-toed wolf boots)... but overall, in the Universal Picture's Monster Movie canon, this one's a bit of a howler. Claude Rains is good, like always, and Maria Ouspenskaya (try saying that five times quick... or even one time slowly) as the prophetic gypsy, all but steals the picture. And one particular scene, involving Chaney, already a marked man, entering church to the chagrin of the congregation, is nothing short of miraculous.

BORN TO KILL RELOCATED

title: BORN TO KILL

year: 1947

cast: Lawrence Tierney, Claire Trevor, Walter Slezak, Philip Terry, Audrey Long, Elisha Cook, Esther Howard

director: Robert Wise

rating: ***

CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BORN TO KILL REVIEW AT THE NEW CULT FILM FREAK SITE

THE MECHANIC

cast: Charles Bronson, Jan-Michael Vincent, Keenan Wynn, Linda Ridgeway

director: Michael Winner
year: 1972

rating: ***1/2

The first fifteen minutes, as Charles Bronson, a professional hit man i.e. Mechanic, elaboratly sets up a score planting explosives in an apartment across the street from where he's holed up in a shabby motel... then eventually succeeding in his endeavor... is truly incredible. The rest of the movie, as Bronson takes Jan Michael-Vincent as a student-assassin under his wing, is HIT and miss, the misses occurring as Bronson ponderously philosophizes about why hit man do what they do and what drives them (and an incredibly bad scene involving real-life wife Jill Ireland as a love-struck lush). But when the action happens... dirt bike chases are always great... and then as we approach a conclusion, realizing Bronson's student may have learned too much too soon... Things fall into neatly place as we're poised to learn which killer truly knows best.

COLLATERAL

title: COLLATERAL

year: 2002

cast: Tom Cruise, Jamie Fox

director: Michael Mann

rating: **1/2

Not really a fan of Jamie Fox, sometimes a Tom Cruise fan and haven't liked a Michael Mann flick in ages (and despised "Heat"), so I didn't think I'd enjoy this movie but I really dug the first hour. Tom Cruise, with a frosted buzz and robotically-adaptive intensity (he hasn't been this good in ages) is Vincent, a hit man who hires a dreamer cabbie Max (Fox) to drive him to each of his kills... with a gun to his head Max complies on this odyssey and it's a skillfully-paced cat-and-mouse game until half-way through when things morph into a typical big-budget high-octane "pumping action thriller" with an stunningly unrealistic shootout in a crowded rave-nightclub and a drawn-out climax involving Vincent (who, at this point, has become Freddy Kruger) going after Max's dreamgirl. It's a damn shame. Things were genuinely amazing for that first hour, providing a laidback, dialog-driven, psychologically-intense neo-noir mob flick by Michael Mann who, I guess, felt he had to channel Michael Bay to drive things home... And it takes a long time to get there.

MR. MAJESTYK

year: 1974

cast: Charles Bronson, Al Lettieri, Lee Purcell, Paul Koslo, Linda Cristal, Jordan Rhodes

director: Richard Fleischer
writer: Elmore Leonard

rating: ****1/2

Charles Bronson as a smart-alack is a neat change... as most of Elmore Leonard's heroes do run off at the mouth... yet he still kicks ass like only Bronson can, but this bravado has brains as a watermelon farmer (yes, you heard that right) is being hunted by a professional (and famous) hit-man after a successful prison break gone-bad... for the kill. I'm leaving a lot out here because it's a movie you have to watch fresh to truly enjoy. One of the few times we're graced with the presence of the late great Al Lettieri, best known as "Solotzo" in THE GODFATHER and "Rudi" in THE GETAWAY, and who unfortunately died shortly after production. Al's the thug, Lee Purcell is his gorgeous moll, and the "Tuco" (third banana) of the film, Paul Koslo as "Bobby Koppas", rounds out the cast as a shifty loser caught in-between. While Bronson tries hard to keep his melon crop going despite the odds... he eventually leads the dangerous but rurally-naive city thugs into the mountains where, like John J. Rambo in "First Blood", he holds all the cards. Action, adventure, and some terrific dialog make this a thinking-man's man's-man movie.

AVATAR

title: AVATAR

year: 2009

cast: Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver

writer/director: James Cameron

rating: *1/2

The first twenty minutes, although we're quickly force-fed the plot of a crippled marine going to a planet called Pandora where his counterpart "Avatar", clone to the indigenous natives, will seek trust in these tall blue Na'vi (all this happening while he, in human form, lays a tanning booth and guides the creature) in order to abduct a mineral to take back to earth (symbolizing oil, of course)... isn't bad, seeming as if a young James Cameron, who directed "Aliens", "The Terminator" and "The Terminator 2" with flowing precision, is at the helm. We're on a terrific adventure and it looks pretty neat: like a Roger Dean "Yes" album cover with motion. But then something happens: Once within the forest, separated from his fellow troops, the Avatar discovers he digs the peace-loving natives more than stupid humans, falls in love with the hottest of the tall blue elf-folk, and after taming a flying dragon and bedding down the babe, he's "one of the gang" way too quickly. Most of the action of the film's first half, pitting our hero against forest-dwelling predators, is (in a visual and directorial sense) straight out of JURASSIC PARK; the thrills eventually taking a backseat to drawn-out new-age ceremonies and cheesy dialog too horrible to repeat. And when the big battle ensues... The Honest Natives Vs The Greedy Americans... the vague, undeveloped characters get lost within the expensive flash. AVATAR, filmed in 3D but with 1D everything else, in trying to blend science-fiction, fantasy, romance, and a big bright moral message, ends up mirroring Cameron's view of the American Military: overwrought, overpriced and completely brain-dead.

JUNIOR

title: JUNIOR

year: 1994

cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, Emma Thompson, Lawrence Tierney

rating: *

One of the most unnecessary films ever made, this lame and lazy production, a reboot of the Billy Crystal comedy RABBIT TEST in which a man gets pregnant, is plain awful. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a scientist and Danny DeVito a baby doctor, and together, in order to save their serum which will aid in pregnancy, or something, make Arnold pregnant by drinking medicine and then, as he comes to term he gets in touch with his feminine side. The only problem is, his character in this movie is sensitive from the beginning, so there's no character-arc and the joke is completely futile: like the rest of the movie.

THE TWELVE CHAIRS

title: THE TWELVE CHAIRS

year: 1970

cast: Ron Moody, Frank Langella, Mel Brooks, Dom Deluise, David Lander

director: Mel Brooks

rating: **1/2

In Russia, after the revolution, a woman is dying and tells a relative, Ron Moody, of 12 chairs, left in their old home, one of which has jewels inside worth a lot of money. He goes in search of that one chair and along the way meets... to his chargin... a charming (and very young and actually good looking) Frank Langella as a drifter/womanizer/con-man who learns of the chair, ex-servent Mel Brooks (ultra wacky, as usual) and last but not least a shockingly thin Dom DeLuise as a crooked priest acting on his own (the "Tuco Ramirez" of the film). Everyone wants the loot and it's a lot of scrambling around, several scenes done in fast motion which gets pretty annoying. The cast, especially Langella and Moody, are talented enough to where, at certain times, you wish it was a drama or adventure. As a comedy it's just not that funny, and bouts of slapstick interfere with the overall mission. But the characters are likable and the premise is interesting enough. A semi-decent time-passer.

HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

title: HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

year: 2002

cast: Sig Haig, Michael J. Pollard, Erin Daniels, Karen Black

writer/director: Rob Zombie

rating: *

I enjoyed the purposely-cheesy dialog in the beginning, with Sig Haig and Michael J. Pollard as two hicks in the middle of nowhere. Haig is "Captain Spaulding", a cocky trickster in clown garb who runs a gas station/oddity-museum/freak-show and... well... Pollard sort of disappears after a robbery occurs, blood is spilt in a Tarantino fashion and then two couples (who seem from the nineties yet it's set in the seventies) happen upon this odd little town and are very deserving to be butchered, you know, like in all horror movies. But these folks are simply BEGGING for it - and the hick family who takes them in seem more than willing to oblige. Rob Zombie really knows his stuff; though I'm still not sure what it is. Along with THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE I'm sure he was inspired by Troma's MOTHER'S DAY, which has murderous hillbillies pointlessly torturing and killing innocent city folk in a lot more coherent fashion, and without random images flashing like a music video. There's too much going on to be scary; too much gore to be fun. The oddball clan (of which veterans Karen Black and Dennis Fimple are members) are more cartoonish than creepy. The main baddie resembles a concert pianist possessed by Beetlejuice. And the prop-saturated town in which the targeted victims are hunted feels like Tim Burton's version of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, with entrails. If only the entire film took place in Captain Spaulding's bizarro lair... It was a lot cooler, scarier and way more inspired than anything that followed...

COMMANDO

year: 1985

cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger

rating: ****

What makes a fun-to-love-dumb-as-hell-action-picture really great is how well it carries from one scene to the next, all the while the just-easy-enough-to-follow plot (a retired commando trying to rescue his kidnapped daughter) remaining intact as the main character kicks more and more ass killing more and more bad guys leading to an out-and-out climatic glory where, in this particular case, one man kills about a thousand heavily-armed soldiers without batting an eyelid. This is one of the best vapid action flicks ever made, and Arnold has never been more addictive in his simplistic tough guy persona. B-master Mark L. Lester's direction keeps you thoroughly involved in who'll try snuffing Arnold next and, more importantly, how he'll return the favor, permanently. Top notch, brilliant idiocy from beginning to end.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

title: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

year: 2005

cast: Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Randy Quaid, Anne Hathaway

director: Ang Lee

rating: *1/2

Politically-correct types, in their usual knee-jerk manner, defending anything having to do with homosexuality, will shout these words if any related subject is brought up: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". So if someone is to say: "There's a film about two young men who fall in love", they'll shout: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". And in that, I totally agree. Yet if someone just happens to point out: "This movie is weak with no real plot and two shallow characters with no reason to be attracted to each other, other than both being attractive and alone on a lonely mountain"... I guess "IT DOESN'T MATTER". But it does to me, because any romance - whether centered on a man and woman - woman and woman - or man and man - has to be more than just "groundbreaking". There needs both chemistry and reason for that chemistry, so that the relationship, continuing to grow despite the odds, will truly and genuinely... MATTER!

AN AMERICAN CAROL

title: AN AMERICAN CAROL

year: 2008

cast: Kevin Farley, Kelsey Grammer, Robert Davi, Dennis Hopper, Jon Voight, Leslie Neilson, Gary Coleman

director: David Zucker

rating: **

Since Hollywood's primary-default is on a permenent left wing setting (more implied than preached, but usually quite obvious), it takes right wingers to kick and scream in a childlike "Listen to me" manner - that is, they have to make the most of their two seconds in the spotlight. Well they got their chance to shine, bagging on Michael Moore and his I-dress-poorly-but-am-worth-a-billion-bucks hypocrisy, but, other than a few good jabs about the supposedly pristine Cuban healthcare system and Hollywood fat-cats gorging themselves during a charity dinner for starving children... This comedy, about a left wing documentarian being shown how great America is by three ghosts, ala Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, falls completely flat. Kevin Farely, brother of Chris, although a dead ringer for the obese Oscar winning target-at-hand, overacts in the main role, seeming more like a sloppily wayward party animal than a shifty documentarian with an agenda. CAROL makes the mistake that occured in NAKED GUN 3 - dealing too much with the characters and situations as each individual joke gets more and more stale. Until, at the end, we just don't care about the parody or the characters (in these kind of AIRPLANE! type movies, the jokes have to carry the characters; without which, there's a house built of sand). Nice try, guys. But you'll have to do a lot better when you're given another chance - in twenty or thirty years.

HEAVY METAL

title: HEAVY METAL

year: 1981

rating: ***

The sexually explicit, violently-glorious cartoon is tops for about an hour, and then, during the last thirty minutes involving the searing, pointless journey of a gorgeous sword-wielding chick who flies a giant turkey (which is the movie/album/poster/VHS/DVD image), the animators get carried away by their own visual talents, abandoning the energetically flowing pace of the first hour involving wanton babes shedding their clothes and monstrous heads being hacked-off with some cool tunes (few of them actually heavy metal) as we follow the handoff-journey of a murderous space-born green orb through the lives of characters such as a Film-Noir-esque cabbie (voiced by Robert Romanus i.e. "Mikey" from MEAN STREETS); a nerdy kid who becomes a bald strongman on another planet; zombies making a WWII flying ace's life a living hell; and several other deliciously weird tales. John Candy, providing voices for a few characters, takes you out of the escapist-factor just a bit... but no matter. It's still a dynamic visual treat. And then some. 

CUTTER'S WAY

year: 1981

cast: Jeff Bridges, John Heard

rating: *1/2

John Heard, who'll either play a really nice guy or a complete jerk, is miscast as a crippled Vietnam war Vet named "Cutter," who'd have fared better with Frederic Forrest or Nick Nolte donning an eye patch and long hair. Heard seems to have a lotta fun spouting tons (and I mean, TONS) of drunken devil-may-care dialog, but still seems like he's being a pirate for Halloween. Jeff Bridges as "Bone" is a bit more natural as Cutter's yacht-selling playboy buddy who, one night after a one-night stand, witnesses a rich, powerful man (this we find out later) throwing away a dead woman's body into a trash can. And then, as fate (or really bad writing) would have it, the next day he JUST HAPPENS to see the same man as the head of a parade. Then it's up to Cutter to talk the reluctant Bone into doing the underdog thing... to turn in this powerful, greedy killer... after which our grungy heroes, with the moral badge of hippiedom screaming from their shoulders, fight to survive. Rarely have I seen so many actors trying to outdo each other: And all lose the race.

I CONFESS

title: I CONFESS

year: 1953

cast: Montgomery Clift

director: Alfred Hitchock

rating: **

I confess, I'm a big time Hitchock fan. I confess, I had never seen this movie until yesterday. And I confess, this one didn't do it for me. The Master seemed on sabbatical - I didn't feel his presence at all. I must also confess... I didn't even watch the entire movie. I guess I should now review the dream I had while sleeping through most of it...

DISH DOGS

Shawna Anderson Dish Dogs

title: DISH DOGS

rating: 2000

cast: Sean Astin, Matthew Lillard, Brian Dennehy, Shannon Elizabeth, Shawna Anderson

rating: **

Two guys wash dishes and philosophize about life. Sean Astin, the one who really wants to be a philosopher by quoting... philosophers all the time; the other, Matthew Lillard, likes hanging out with Astin but is more into chicks and good times, and eventually gets back with his girlfriend and then, to the chagrin of Astin - who's quest is to always search but never find - wants to get married. The first half is entertainingly dumb fun as the two buddies drive around, wash dishes in various restaurants, talk about life (sometimes with their fat hippie guru, Brian Dennehy), surf, and go to a strip club... where Astin meets the girl of his dreams, Shannon Elizabeth. And we're supposed to believe that she falls in love with him, but that's alright. By the time this happens, you'll wanna press eject anyway, because the last half of the movie - after Astin and Lillard "split up" after a really stupid argument - falls under the weight of its own pretensions by trying too hard to be deep. (And the reason I rented this straight-to-video turkey was to see a girl I was in a Christian elementary school with as a stripper... For that, it was worth the money.)

EVICTED

year: 2000

cast: Michael Tierney, Lawrence Tierney

rating: *

Two... no, three guys drive around L.A., drink beer, and throw their cans out the window. Wait, it's a convertible - there's no window. Did I mention, two of them live in an apartment and are about to get... what's the name of the movie again? So to go out in a blaze, they throw a party. Here's where we hit a very long snag. The party itself doesn't flow like a party should. And then, during the bash, scenes involving the main character, after dropping acid, dreaming in a bathtub about running for President while rapping in front of an American flag... Wow. Actually, this part drew me back into the so-bad-it's-fun aspect that's lost during the party. This indie-indie was written-directed-produced-scored by Michael Tierney, son of little-known actor Ed Tierney, the brother of iconic film noir legends Lawrence Tierney and Scott Brady (Terence, Scott's son, co-stars). Uncle Larry (DILLINGER, BORN TO KILL, RESERVOIR DOGS) appears as "Bob", an old man who gives Michael advice on life. "Get A Job... Buy New Shoes... Don't Do Drugs". If the film stuck with the three young slackers hanging and drinking cheap (generic) beer, without the party (or a very confusing side-story involving a gangster with a briefcase) to encapsulate a reason or... dare I say, plot... the losers-with-nothing-to-lose theme would've served a better purpose of having no purpose at all (and deeper, more involved dialog with Lawrence Tierney would have been helpful). Scenes involving a Vietnam vet landlord playing with toy soldiers doesn't help things any (although he is a real actor). And the performances of the three young leads, well... let's say they don't try very hard... and they're not good enough for that to be intentional.

THE GETAWAY (SAM PECKINPAH)

year: 1972

rating: *****

The opening credit sequence alone, a montage of Steve McQueen as "Doc McCoy" in prison, shows more of the loneliness, solitude and torture of being locked up than some films that take place entirely behind bars. When he's set free on a "special parole"... he's got an assignment to rob a bank. Along with his wife and two thugs, both working for crime boss Ben Johnson... the goons played by Al Lettieri and Bo Hopkins... the heist is a success and failure both. That is, they got the money but there was a murder of a guard - and now all three robbers - Hopkins being killed by Lettieri - are on the run. This is, to me, the best action film ever made, flowling smoothly from one little adventure to the next... all enveloped within the main goal - to get to the border with the loot: our heroes having to avoid being caught by cops, killed by Lettieri, and keeping their relationship intact. The only drawback are the acting of... or rather, the non-acting of Ali McGraw... who most of the time delivers her lines as if she were heavily medicated on barbiturates; and Sally Struthers, playing Al Lettieri's moll, grates heavily on the nerves. But that stuff doesn't hinder the outcome. THE GETAWAY is pure Peckinpah perfection all the way. "Punch it, baby!"

MONSTER-IN-LAW

title: MONSTER-IN-LAW

year: 2005

cast: Jane Fonda, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Vartan

rating: *1/2

Most blame Jennifer Lopez and her big butt (which she makes fun of here) for this movie not being good, but it's Jane Fonda, who simply doesn't have the chops to play a love-to-hate character. Jane has always amazed me how, in every film, she delivers each line perfectly, has the moves down just right, seems to really know how to perform but without being ENTIRELY lost in character (like a fish half out of water). And being completely in-character's what was really needed here, and just doesn't happen. Fonda is the mother of a dapper, really skinny, permanent-five-o-clock-shadowed guy (Michael Vartan) who Lopez is about to marry, and tries to keep that from happening by faking insanity and thus driving Lopez away. But there's nothing to make us thirst for Lopez and hubby to be punished, much like, for example, in watching FATAL ATTRACTION, the audience gets thoroughly addicted to Glenn Close making Michael Douglas and Anne Archer's life hell. I realize this is a comedy and that isn't... but it's the same template - and there's simply not enough reasons for Fonda's "monster" to gulp up her victim - or, more importantly, for the audience to enjoy it. Both Fonda and Lopez, as loggerheads, have zero chemistry. And as for husband Michael Vartan... dude, EAT SOMETHING!

SIN CITY

year: 2005

cast: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, Nicky Katt

rating: *

The look of this movie and THE SPIRIT, both written by "Graphic Novel" guru Frank Miller, is the same: scantly hand-drawn, purposely cheap looking discolored backdrops. Whatever this "new look"...feeling as if a punchdrunk Roger Rabbit molested cheap Japanese anime while giving birth to a braindead Matrix wannabe... is called, it should be forever done away with. This vapid, tacky mess, directed by Robert Rodriguez and with a "special director credit" to Quentin Tarantino, both who've gotten mossy in their middle age... is simply horrible. Porno-esque slowly timed acting and gloriously lame violence all seems like a lonely comic book reader euphorically visualizing his melodramatic dream-film.

TO BE OR NOT TO (1982)

Starts out decently enough, and surprisingly different for Mel Brooks to direct a remake: something that isn't a parody of a serious genre or a humorous take on historical events...

But then the set up, of a husband and wife who are famous stage performers in Poland who, when Hitler takes over, has to close up their theater, becomes an overlong skit involving Brooks and real-life wife Anne Bancroft, with the aid of a sad throwaway role by ANIMAL HOUSE star Tim Matheson as a love-struck soldier: The entire menagerie playing an elaborate scheme on the Nazis that gets way too complicated for it's own good in this remake of a Jack Benny 1940's vehicle (when ensemble comedies were the norm)... Not only do all the wires get tangled up within each other, there's way too many to begin with. And it's understandable turning the Nazis into complete buffoons, especially when spoofing them... but in doing so it takes away any valid threat, making it meaningless to have to trick or defeat them in the first place. Score: **1/2

THE RETURN

title: THE RETURN

year: 1980

cast: Jan-Michael Vincent, Cybill Shepard

director: Greydon Clark

rating: **

Two children, a boy and girl, and a farmer witness a UFO in a small rural town (where else?) and then... years later... one of the kids, now a grown up played by Cybill Shepard, returns to the hick town (she was only passing through originally) where she hooks up with Jan Michael-Vincent, a local handsome cop who turns out was the other kid who saw the spaceship. This is a bad movie but it's quite a treat seeing Vincent Shavelli, as the farmer who, unlike the other two witnesses, became a psychotic killer with an atomic double-edged flashlight that mutilates cattle and people... who Jan and Cybill have to kill before he kills anyone else. And the special effects make Sid & Marty Krofft seem like George Lucas in comparison, but overall, it's somewhat entertaining.

THE FIRM

title: THE FIRM

year: 1993

cast: Tom Cruise, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gene Hackman, Wilford Brimley, Hal Holbrook, Gary Busey, David Strathaim, Holly Hunter, Jerry Hardin, Steven Hill, Ed Harris, Paul Calderan, Tobin Bell, Terry Kinney, Paul Sorvino

rating: ***

Tom Cruise is the best fighter pilot. Tom Cruise is the best bartender. So why not be the best lawyer (actually, one person got a higher score on the bar exam, but he probably cheated). This film, directed by Sydney Pollock and based on yet another dolphin-lawyer-swimming-in-shark-filled-water book by John Grisham, is stylistic, classy, and perfectly vapid. Cruise, straight out of Harvard (yet he had to work hard to make it through, and, like all of Cruise's characters, has a troubled past he must make up for), gets a lucritive job at a firm that not only caters to the mob, but is part of their own crime syndicate. After he and wife Jeanne Tripplehorn (in an effective performance aimed at opening night audiences) are given a new house, a new car, and a great new paycheck, Cruise, after realizing the firm's corruptness, slowly figures out a loophole to beat them at their own game. What he does to strike back is confusing and would probably take a lawyer to understand (or someone who read the book), but it doesn't matter. Fun is fun, and this movie, if taken too seriously, could be thoroughly despised. Especially if you ask certain questions: Why would the firm's lead hitman be over six feet tall with shockingly blonde hair and albino eyes (Tobin Bell) i.e. easy to remember? Or why is Cruise's character able to do acrobatic sommersaults (in perhaps one of the silliest moments in film history)? So just give in to this handsomely filmed lightweight thriller with a straight-through piano score and some great actors dumbing down for the sake of being in a Tom Cruise blockbuster. Gene Hackman, as Cruise's personal mentor... a charming, womanizing lawyer who loves the vacationing aspect of his job... David Strathaim, as Cruise's glibly laidback jailbird brother... Terry Kinney, as a seemingly innocent lawyer who initially puts Cruise at ease... And Gary Busey as a fast talking private eye help elevate things: at least for as long as they're on screen. But the show belongs to Cruise, who, as usual, delivers this pizza with tons of cheese and, unless you're expecting steak or caviar, it'll fill you up as needed.

STAR TREK

title: STAR TREK

year: 2009

cast: Chris Pine

rating: **

While this was better than the NEW Star Wars prequels (episode 1, 2, and 3), I had the same problem in the continuity factor. In other words, when watching the original Star Wars: A New Hope, seeing Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guiness) and imagining him doing all the things Ewan McGregor did in the first three films... was impossible. And when I go back and watch the original Star Trek TV show, or the movies starring the original cast, I will now have to wrap my brain around the fact that Captain Kirk, as a preteen, listened to The Beastie Boys. And that Spock dealt with bullies on his home planet - which weren't very different from the ones cookie-cutter teen flicks (I realize, this is mentioned on the original show, but the way they carried it out was so... after-school-special). Or that Uhura had a green martian roomate who Captain Kirk, before he was Captain, was trying to bang in an apartment that looked straight outta Melrose Place. I realize the William Shatner "Kirk" is known to be quite a ladies man - but seeing Jim in a trendy nightclub with rave music thumping in the backdrop just doesn't fit in the Star Trek canon... at least not mine. The first ten minutes, involving Kirk's father saving the lives of 800 people, including his wife who was pregnant with you-know-who... right before intrepidly dying on a monitor viewed by his weeping wife... was pure melodrama straight out bad made-for-cable sci-fi. The villain looked and acted like a WWF wrestler. And I'm not sure what the plot is other than "blow the big bad thing up that destroys planets" (kinda like The Death Star, huh?). Chris Pine looked perfect for the role of a young Kirk but seemed too much like a jocky lughead than anything else. And the special effects... going back to my problem with the new Star Wars... was just too much. I always dug the cerebral-led aspect of the original series (and movies)... mind over action... kind of like a chess match... And, so, having these youthful, energetic characters being part of a high-octane thriller... And the Enterprise darting through space like a Tie Fighter... just didn't fit with me. I'll take corny acting, dated special effects and a slow moving plot to exploding eye-candy any day.

BETRAYAL

title: BETRAYAL

cast: 1987

cast: Debra Winger, Tom Berenger, John Mahoney, Ted Levine, John Hurt, Richard Libertini, Albert Hall

rating: ***1/2

BETRAYED HAS MOVED HERE

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES

title: THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES

year: 1996

cast: Jim Varney, Erika Eleniak, Deidrich Bader, Lily Tomlin, Dabney Coleman, Cloris Leachman, Lea Thompson, Rob Schneider, Mickey Jones, Dolly Parton, Buddy Ebson

director: Penelope Spheeris

rating: **

Hail the late Jim Varney. With the exception of Erika Eleniak, he's the only actor playing a "Clampett", those rags-to-new-rich hillbillies, like a real person and not a hammy imitation of the original characters. Deidrich Bader, with fake gapping grin, who I really liked in OFFICE SPACE, plays the dim-witted cousin Jed like a cartoon from hell. Cloris Leachman goes overboard as granny; then again, that's her style: in-keeping with her Mel Brooks roles. Of the outsiders, Lily Tomlin's take on the tightwad bankmarm "Ms. Hathaway" is worse than Bader. And Dabney Coleman, as the bank president, merely collects a paycheck. Cult Director Penelope Spheeris tries her best to help the convuluted story, of the Clampetts being swindled by two gold diggers (Rob Schnieder, annoying as ever, and Lea Thompson), work... and it does at times, again thanks to Varney and Eleniak for, as already mentioned, "keeping it real". But compared to something like "The Brady Bunch Movie", this is nothing more than a fast moving bullet to the head: in one ear, out the next. And, at times, it feels like one too. PS With a Dolly Parton cameo, it's almost a complete 9 TO 5 reunion.

PERFECT

title: PERFECT

year: 1986

cast: John Travolta, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jann Wenner, Laraine Newman, Marilu Henner, Carly Simon, Doug Campbell

normal movie rating: ***

bad movie rating: *****

This movie is perfect. A lean (and somewhat strung-out looking) John Travolta is a writer for Rolling Stone magazine (you know, the one with 90% ads) perched on a controversial, and dangerous, story about a computer mogul accused of drug dealing, and in the meantime centers his periphrial (but soon to be full) attention on "Sports Connection" (i.e. "Sports Erection"), an exercise club/singles hangout where he falls for Jamie Lee Curtis, who runs the best darn aerobics class on earth, and... This movie is perfect. You just have to see it for yourself. Gay men pretending to be straight and straight men seeming oh so gay. Horrible music, hilariously addicting dialog, and Rolling Stone Magazine's Jann Wenner playing himself but with a different name and aware-of-the-camera bad acting that's beyond description. The eighties in all its wonderfully colorful, corny splendor and then some... It's all here, folks. And through the awesome stupidity you'll find yourself amazingly involved in the moronic, sweaty fun. Unfortunately, the last twenty minutes, when Travolta's first story reemerges, turning the neon fluff into courtroom melodrama, things peter out. But no matter, this is an airhead classic you can watch a million times; the epitome of what's called a "guilty pleasure".

HEROES HAS RELOCATED

title: HEROES

year: 1977

cast: Henry Winkler, Sally Field, Harrison Ford, Val Avery, John Cassavetes, Ron Rifkin, Al Rubin

rating: **1/2

REVIEW HAS MOVED TO THE NEW SITE

REAL LIFE

title: REAL LIFE

year: 1979

cast: Albert Brooks, Charles Grodin, Francis Lee McCann, J.A. Preston, David Speilberg, James L. Brooks, Johnny Haymer, Matthew Tobin

writer/director: Albert Brooks

rating: **

The worst thing about this Albert Brooks film where Albert Brooks (supposedly) plays Albert Brooks is Albert Brooks, going completely overboard developing and directing a reality TV show. Brooks sets up camera and crew inside a middle class suburban house in Arizona, and things fall apart quickly, to the point where there's not much of a story arc. Charles Grodin and Frances Lee McCann are fun to watch as the uptight patriarchs, and both seem blandly realistic, as is intended. The concept here is smarter than the outcome: to show not only the reality show participants (years before the genre became commonplace) but also the REAL people who film that show and how both collide. Unfortunately they collide a bit too much, too soon, and when other elements are introduced - like a news station following up on a story by a disgruntled psychologist (J.A. Preston) who quit the film in progress - or Brooks having several nervous breakdowns and eventually committing arson... what could have been light and funny ends up completely irritating and ironically unREAListic, although there are a few funny moments. Brooks would really find his niche a few years later with LOST IN AMERICA.

FALLING IN LOVE

year: 1984

cast: Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, Harvey Keitel, Jane Kaczmarek

director: Ulu Grosbard

rating: **

Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep are two married, successful New York suburbanites who, after seeing each other on the same train, meet in a store where they start a conversation ("Don't we ride the same train?") and accidentally take each other's gifts. On Christmas Morning, DeNiro's wife gets Streep's husbands gift (a book on boating); and Streep's husband gets DeNiro's wife's gift (a book on gardening). That's the most clever aspect of this bland romance full of mumbling dialog and uncomfortably-silent conversations between two people who, although they have perfect marriages and beautiful children, should know better: but just can't help themselves. The major love scene is as sexy as mom and dad humping on a rainy afternoon, but, at times, the snail-paced build-up has a sort of mellow voyeuristic quality liken to French cinema, only without any depth or purpose. Harvey Keitel plays DeNiro's recently-divorced buddy, and it's strange seeing the wily thugs from "Mean Streets" as upper-class Manhattan yuppies. The movie sort of happens for a while, and then it's done.

THEY DRIVE BY NIGHT

title: THEY DRIVE BY NIGHT

year: 1940

cast: George Raft, Ida Lupino, Humphry Bogart, Ann Sheridan, Alan Hale

rating: **1/2

Strange seeing Humphrey Bogart play second fiddle in any film (unless it stars James Cagney), this came out only a year before he become a top-billed sensation. George Raft and Bogart are truck driver brothers (who REALLY look like brothers) bullied by a mob syndicate... or something... causing trucks to crash and men to die. The special effects are really cool for 1940, including trucks driving off cliffs and exploding (models do wonders). If you can get past not seeing Bogart but for twenty minutes (and in a somewhat filler role), or trying to sustain disbelief that gorgeous gals like Ann Sheradin and Ida Lupino could be so in love with blockhead Raft - you'll enjoy this mildly entertaining "old movie". Ida Lupino steals the show after killing her millionaire husband (Alan Hale i.e. Skipper's Dad) and trying to frame Raft for it. She then goes bonkers in prison and thinks the doors (not the band, the things) want to kill her. Fun melodrama. Kick back and enjoy.

WALL STREET

title: WALL STREET

year: 1988

cast: Charlie Sheen, Michael Douglas, Martin Sheen, Hal Halbrook, Daryl Hannah

rating: ****

Oliver Stone had the perfect opportunity to mouthpiece his politics into this film about the greedy Wall Street traders, but he didn't... at least not in an obnoxious or obvious way. Perhaps because his father (whom the film's dedicated) was one, or that he wanted to make a movie that showed both sides equally, even though one side is pretty evil. Michael Douglas must be given credit for turning the villain into not only a likable character, but a logical one... given that you're hypnotized enough to think the way he does... That the more power you acquire, not matter who you have to screw, the better. Charlie Sheen, fresh from Stone's PLATOON set, plays a young wall street cold-call climber who, freshly under Douglas's wing, cuts corners and breaks the law in order to feed his new mentor information to get himself rich, and Douglas even richer. When Sheen gives Douglas inside information on an airline where his father - played by real life pop Martin Sheen - is on the board of directors, his soul is sold. And that's where the adventure begins. While Douglas won the Best Actor Oscar for the famous (or infamous) "Greed is Good" speech, the more subtle moments, as he tweaks Sheen into his puppet, are what truly shapes his now iconic character. Martin Sheen plays not only Charlie's dad, but Douglas's blue collar counterpart with perfect stubborn pride, and a scene involving father and son arguing about what Douglas's intentions are is quite intense. I think this is Oliver Stone's best film. While it can be, at times, somewhat silly and far-fetched, it's intense, involving, and fun as hell.

YOU'VE GOT MAIL

title: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

year: 1999

cast: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Steve Zahn, Jean Stapleton, Dabney Coleman, John Randolph, Greg Kinnear, Parker Posey

rating: ***

Okay guys, if you really wanna pick up on a beautiful chick, one that looks like, say, Meg Ryan, trick her into thinking you're someone you're not on the computer via email, manipulate her mind and have her fall in love with the image of you as a writer sharing your innermost thoughts and daily routines after you, as your real self, shut down her family business and all her dreams along with it. Well, it worked for Tom Hanks, so why not? Pretty good chick flick overall, a remake of "The Shop Around the Corner" about two people who email each other without getting too personal; one (Hanks) owns a new big bookstore that sells discount books, the other (Ryan) owns a small old bookstore across the street that sells specialty books that cost a ton (still not sure if they're used or not); and as the Westerns say "There's not enough room for the both of us." The best moments are before Tom knows Meg's Meg as they're emailing back and forth, completely unaware of each other's identity and loathing one another in their business "non-net" lives. During the scam in which Tom manipulates Meg after finding out she's his web girl, things get too plot-heavy and complicated, and then at the end, after he comes clean, Meg falls in love much too easily. Hanks' performance is a bit constrained: he seems OVER the whole comedy thing at this point, which is kind of a bummer. I dug him in the eighties when he was lean and goofy, and not considered beyond such trivialities.

LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD

title: LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD

year: 2005

cast: Albert Brooks, Fred Thompson

writer/director: Albert Brooks

rating: ***

Post 911, Albert Brooks, playing himself - a borderline-has-been comedic-actor who really needs that "great role" - is hired by Washington to find out what makes Muslims laugh... to help bridge the gap between "us and them". He's sent to India (where there are hindus but also many muslims) to interview people, asking them what they think is funny. Well the movie isn't very funny but it is involving, as Brooks interviews people on the streets and sets up a comedy concert where he performs his improvisational routines that no one in the audience gets. That is, they understand English, but don't find him funny. He then goes to Pakistan, illegally through the border, and entertains hash-smoking soldiers who, unlike the Indians - and stoned out of their minds - love his routine. The Iranians catch wind of this and a war almost breaks out: a pasted-on b-story that never comes to fruition, and frankly is a distraction that doesn't need to be there. By the end, when Brooks is back home with a fictional wife and daughter, what have we learned? Nothing much, but for a bland mockumentary, it's decent enough; Brooks' signature non-polarizing yet completely obvious indifference to the natives providing the sole "punchline" throughout. Albert is older but not much wiser. His character - who is himself in this case, which makes no difference - hasn't changed. He still doesn't know what he has to offer, and is trying to discover himself and his purpose: the "mission" i.e. plot here is but a platform for him to do so, as usual. Not up to par with "Lost In America" or "Defending Your Life" but leagues above "Mother", "The Muse", and "The Scout".

BRUNO

title: BRUNO

year: 2009

cast: Sacha Baron Cohen

rating: ***

Putting aside the fact that every situation is contrived, and all the "participants" are obviously in on the joke, this is actually a funny movie about a gay Austrian wannabe fashionista's odyssey to become not just famous, but VERY famous. He does just about anything it takes, including becoming straight, for this seemingly impossible goal, and while the situations aren't always hilarious they are entertaining, and throughout the "skits", some of which are jabs at celebrities, like adopting a black child for publicity, and religion, like meeting with pastors who "make men straight", there is an actual love story that, bizarre as it seems in the buildup, becomes the very thing that bookmarks the film into something that feels legit despite the platform of setup, strikingly bogus interviews and confrontations. Just forget it's trying to seem real and you'll find yourself addicted to the main character's "stranger in a straight land" dilemma. The real humor lies in our hero Bruno's stubborn drive to keep his hectically flamboyant focus intact despite it working against him.

ORANGE COUNTY

title: ORANGE COUNTY

year: 2002

cast: Colin Hanks, Jack Black, Chevy Chase, Jane Adams

rating: *1/2

This movie suffers from what many modern (post 2000) slacker comedies are stricken with: the "Anything Goes" syndrome. There are few bounds in this independent film directed by Jake "Son of Lawrence" Kasdan, featuring cameos from Chevy Chase, Lily Tomlin and Lawrence's own stock actor, Kevin Kline. The story centers on a young man from... yep, Orange County, California (where I live), who spends his careless youth surfing and partying; then reads a book that "changes his life" and, along with a dream to become a writer, really wants to attend Stanford University to meet the book's author who works there. Along the way this desire (i.e. the plot) is outshined by the wacky side-characters, including two Beavis and Buttheadish surfer pals; a drunk mother (Catherine O'Hara) married to a crippled old man; a selfish father (John Lithgow) married to a gorgeous young "trophy"; and a stoner brother played by Jack Black (who's not in the movie as much as is promoted) - all vying to outdo each other on screen. When the main character - played by bland Colin Hanks, son of Tom - finally arrives at the college of his dreams, within ten minutes he's accidently given the dean of admissions (a portly Harold Ramis) enough "X" to blind a horse, and to top it off, his zany drugged-out brother (using every stoner cliche in the book including the usual "WOW!") burns the admissions building to the ground. Nothing really matters at this point, and yet we have another (drawn-out and totally useless) half-an-hour to go. All the things that should have been peripheral eccentricities, which end up leaping to the foreground of every scene, are symptoms of that disease I already mentioned: "Anything Goes"... Which can be, as in this case, fatal. That is, without that one cure, substance... Something this movie has very little of.

2010

title: 2010

year: 1984

cast: Roy Scheider, Bob Balaban, John Lithgow, Keir Dullea

director: Peter Hymans

rating: *

Someone castrated HAL 9000! In this horrendous, preachy mess, Roy Schieder plays the role of "Dr. Heywood Floyd" in a cold war sequel to the Kubrick classic, and here we learn that Russians and Americans CAN get along... Pretty dated, huh? The unintentionally hilarious scenes involving astronaut "Dave Bowman" (Keir Dullea) returning to earth as a philosophical wraith, invisibly combing his mother's hair on her deathbed and speaking through a television set in place of newscaster Larry Carroll, are far more interesting than the ninety-minutes in space as the Americans and Russians "band together" above Jupiter, trying to figure out the purposely-confounding elements from the first film, that which was never intended to make sense, but rather, to imply. This turkey takes all those implications and throws them into an overlong, overblown mess that made us yearn to be wonderfully confused rather than preached at.

IN THE HEAT OF PASSION

title: IN THE HEAT OF PASSION
year: 1992
cast: Sally Kirkland, Nick Corri, Michael Greene, Jack Carter
rating: ***1/2

Sure there's a lot of steamy scenes, but this early-nineties Roger Corman production has a lot more going for it. Like Oscar-nominated actress (for 1987's ANNA) Sally Kirkland playing the bored trophy wife of rich man Michael Greene. While at a gas station, she meets hunky mechanic Jsu Garcia (then billed as Nick Corri). The two hit it off and really want to connect; especially Garcia, who makes every effort to do so. And by posing as a cable TV repairman, he talks his way into the bedroom where sexy Kirkland awaits. But what really excels this to greater heights is an action sequence involving Garcia, who's an actor on the side, being chased by mobsters and using this motivation in a scene from a movie (within the movie) with a similar plot line. But back to reality: what Garcia doesn't know is Kirkland (who's a personal friend of yours truly), like any effective Film Noir moll, hides a deep dark secret fueling a hidden, and perhaps lethal, agenda. And it takes a grade-A actress and actor to provide enough intrigue and intensity to make a B-movie really work.

THE GRAND CANYON

year: 1991

cast: Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Mary McDonnell, Jeremy Sisto, Steve Martin

rating: *

For those who think the horrific MAGNOLIA is the most pretentious movie ever made; as Richard Dreyfuss tells Robert Shaw in JAWS: "I got that beat." This movie, about rich and poor people in Los Angeles whose lives intertwine, all discussing their own philosophies of life, takes the pretentious nasal-gazing gold medal. The otherwise talented Lawrence Kasdan penned this do-gooder doozy with his wife, Meg. Kevin Kline's car breaks down in Inglewood and is almost killed by gangsters; Danny Glover, as a tow truck driver, saves him (the best scene herein); they become friends and we follow each of their (and their friends and families) lives and basically learn: we're in different sized boats in the same raging sea.  A Hollywood guilt movie, and godawful at that. Every sentence has a POINT; every camera angle an AGENDA: "I dare you to watch this and NOT LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE", is in parentheses throughout. As one character says: "People who excel at one thing think they know about everything." I think Lawrence and Meg might have been projecting here.

SLUMBER PARTY '57

title: SLUMBER PARTY '57

year: 1976

cast: Deborah Winger, Rainbeaux Smith, Raphael Campos

rating: *1/2

This ultra low-budget drive-in flick, set in the fifties about five girls who meet in a mansion and discuss their first time, desperately needed a serial killer to pick them off one-by-one. Unfortunately, he never showed up. I'm sure Debra Winger isn't proud of this doozy. Some interesting camera work though. Great music. And pretty girls. Each loss-of-virginity story is shown in flashbacks. All are boring.

BABY BOOM

title: BABY BOOM

year: 1987

cast: Diane Keaton, Harold Ramis, Sam Shepard, James Spader, Sam Wanamaker, Victoria Jackson, Pat Hingle, Paxton Whitehead, Mary Gross

rating: ***

Classy late-eighties fare about a hard-driven business-woman played by Diane Keaton who has everything to gain in the corporate world until she inherits a baby, and then must juggle her executive life with that as a new, and quite reluctant, mother. After losing her yuppie boyfriend (Harold Ramis) and eventually her job (to an ass kissing weasel played by James Spader), she and baby move to a country home where the usual "nothing works in this house" havoc ensues, and she ends up making baby food with a plethora of apples in her spare time. Her hobby becomes a business and she's an overnight success, and then must choose between the simple life or returning to the big city. The best parts lie within the first half as she struggles with the baby, but the country story has its charm thanks to Sam Shepard as a genuinely nice Veterinarian providing a blossoming love story that never gets corny. Basically, it's a chick-flick that men won't mind being spoon-fed.

HOT DOG: THE MOVIE...

title: HOT DOG: THE MOVIE...

year: 1984

cast: Patrick Houser, David Naughton, Tracy Smith, John Patrick Reger, Shannon Tweed

rating: ***1/2

When an oversexed comedy centering on a particular sport has no real story or interesting characters, what do you have? The polar opposite of this totally entertaining ski/party flick, where the main character, a handsome young farm boy with dreams of glory, picks-up a gorgeous free-spirited hitchhiker on the way to a big competition, where they meet a bullying German who's a shoe-in for the coveted main prize; an "Otter" (from "Animal House") clone played by David "Just Getting A Paycheck For This role" Naughton... The Dr. Pepper guy who sang "Makin' It" and starred in the greatest (American) werewolf (in London) movie ever... And Shannon Tweed as a more-than-flirtatious sexpot. Amazing ski footage, endless parties and lots of skin never distracts from the plot... winning the big race... or the plight of the two central characters: to stick together no matter what temptation gets in their way.

CASUAL SEX?

title: CASUAL SEX?

year: 1988

cast: Leah Thompson, Victoria Jackson, Mary Gross, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Stephen Shellen, Jerry Levine

rating: **

Sometimes I wanna slap Woody Allen for popularizing the first person narration (character looking into the camera and narrating the movie i.e. breaking the fourth wall) because, even though he - and a few other filmmakers - did it well, it's often misused: like in the case of the John Cusack's "High Fidelity" and this sex comedy centering on two completely different girls: one a slut (Leah Thompson) the other a whiny baby-voiced prude (Victoria "One Trick Pony" Jackson). The slut doesn't know she's a slut and the prude doesn't want to be either. The movie attempts originality - both girls narrating not only during actual scenes but in sequences set against a black backdrop, almost seeming as if they're in outer space. After we learn both girl's do's and don'ts (Thompson's "Do", Jackson's "Don't") our heroines go to a special single's resort to hook up with their "dream men". There they meet some obnoxious losers, like Andrew "Dice" Clay in a somewhat funny turn as a... you guessed it... sleaze-bag from New York... and both eventually fall in love with two handsome too-good-to-be-realistic instructors seemingly made for each of them. This is the main problem... If we dealt with the girls continuing to put up with various single men who are in the same boat and as messed up as they are, it'd be much more interesting - and a true study of the film's title (giving the question mark purpose). But things get much too predictable after we know who they want and who wants them. Then it's all about fate, destiny, and all that other chick-flick drivel. "Teen Wolf" fans will enjoy seeing Jerry "Stiles" Levine as the nice-guy instructor who digs Victoria Jackson, only he doesn't wear T-shirts with coffee mug catch-phrases, sorry.