PRETTY IN PINK

year: 1986

cast: Molly Ringwald, Andrew McCarthy, Jon Cryer, Annie Potts

rating: **

After John Hughes died I brushed up on his work, and stumbled upon the one I never really cared for. Why? Two main reasons: Class envy and a flitting metrosexual named after a water fowl who I still think preferred Andrew McCarthy to Molly Ringwald. I'm not exactly sure who this movie's for... girls without money who love themselves or girls with money who hate themselves. Or was Hughes inventing his own dream-chick before he had two nerds do it for him? The characters were cliched, the plot nonexistent, and the corny scene where Andrew McCarthy hacks into Molly Ringwald's computer — providing her pictures and a glimpse into the future of Instant Messaging — literally almost killed me. I was near the end... I saw a white light... I heard Annie Potts' grating voice... The light grew larger...

FUNNY PEOPLE (2009)

The title isn't misleading, it's ironic. Such a fine line, isn't it? Plot centers on a famous comic played by Adam Sandler, who went from raunchy standup to starring in bad-yet-successful movies (playing himself?)... and he's diagnosed with a fatal disease. Sick and dying, he seeks refuge in struggling standup Seth Rogan, whom he hires as writer, sidekick, and eventually, best friend. Sandler and Rogan have okay chemistry; their humor bounces back and forth nicely at times, awkwardly at others. And their standup routines are like something from an open-mic night in hell. The main problem is, you never really feel Sandler's fatal plight. It might be his performance, or the direction, that takes so much time centering on poop jokes and his sexual escapades with groupies. We only experience his health diminishing through collage scenes set to really loud music. When Sandler learns his disease has miraculously just... gone away, and that he's got a second chance, the film takes a bad turn. That which wasn't on a straight path to begin with veers into a flaming col-de-sac. Rates: **

A CHORUS LINE

title: A CHORUS LINE

year: 1985

cast: Michael Douglas

rating: *

"I hope I get it... I hope I get it... I hope I get it..." Well I didn't. I was HOPING for some so-good-it's-bad pre-Showgirls fun but got nothing but a group of dancers singing their thoughts and frustrations, and the tunes were awful. And I was also hoping Michael Douglas's character, a producer who berates the dancers, would be, at best, entertaining. He wasn't. I guess I should have stuck with "Staying Alive".

CRITICAL CONDITION

title: CRITICAL CONDITION

year: 1987

cast: Richard Pryor, Garrett Morris, Rachel Ticotin, Bob Dishy, Randall "Tex" Cobb, Joe Mantegna, Silvia Miles, Bob Saget, Joe Dallesandro, Jon Polito, Wesley Snipes, Brian Tarantina

director: Michael Apted

rating: ***1/2

A very skinny, somewhat riddled looking yet highly energetic Richard Pryor is a con artist who, instead of going to jail where he'll surely be killed by a mobster who thinks he set him up, fakes crazy and is shipped to a mental ward, located in the basement of a large general hospital. The hospital loses it's power during a big storm and Pryor ends up posing as a fly-by-night head doctor. He and the rest of the ensemble cast has to keep the electricity going during the storm-caused blackout and the patients alive, while Pryor alone must sustain his ruse, which isn't easy since he can't operate or even read charts. More of an edgy-action with humor than a comedy; a side-plot involving a psychotic killer (Joe Dallesandro) on the prowl builds effective tension. No wonder they played this on HBO all the time in the late eighties: it's a perfect time-filler.

LIFE STINKS

title: LIFE STINKS

year: 1991

cast: Mel Brooks

director: Mel Brooks

rating: **

Mel Brooks is a corporate billionaire who wants to buy a lucrative piece of land for an upcoming project that happens to be slums. He needs to purchase the remaining share and in order to do so has to be part of a bet, more of a dare, that he can live almongst the homeless for three days. He does, and through various adventures, learns about the other side. Not a bad movie but it isn't funny. Seems like an idea Mel wrote down and then, the next morning upon re-reading the notes, would think "Nah." Well he didn't say "Nah" and we're left with a two-hour concept. I'm not sure where this fits within the Mel Brooks canon. It's entirely different than any of his other films, not so much a parody... more of an made-for-cable movie that happened to be in theaters... for a short time, I'm sure. If you have a flu and need something passable to watch, you could do worse. The first half, where Mel adapts to his new situation, is better than the last half where he - with his new homeless pals and one scruffy but pretty girlfriend - seeks revenge on the guy he made the bet with in the first place. A 1988 film made by the Unknown Comic (sans the paper sack) and co-starring Linda Blair titled UP YOUR ALLEY tackles this concept, of a person going undercover into the slums, much better.

THE OTHER SISTER

title: THE OTHER SISTER

year: 1999

cast: Juliette Lewis, Giovanni Ribisi, Diane Keaton, Tom Skerritt

director: Garry Marshall

rating: *

I realize it's politically incorrect to use the term retarded when describing people, so I won't use it to describe the characters played by Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi, but this movie is totally retarded. The characters, one minute, are barking like dogs and throwing tantrums for no reason, the next minute completely understanding sarcastic inside humor, living in their own apartments and eventually getting married. Garry Marshall made being a hooker a dream for young girls everywhere, just as long as they meet their millionaire Richard Gere. So I guess he's making being "slow" lucrative for... I'm still not sure who this film caters to. But if you like watching over-actors pretending to be... you know... the R word... this is just what the doctor ordered. The side-story involving Lewis' relationship with her uptight conservative mother, Diane Keaton, slows down the unintentional hilarity of this preposterous calamity. And like Leonardo DiCaprio's overrated performance in the horrendous "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", Lewis and Ribisi sound more deaf than anything else. If you want to see an actor portraying a "mentally-challenged" person realistically, W. Earl Brown in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY takes the prize.

THE DARK KNIGHT

title: THE DARK KNIGHT

year: 2008

cast: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine

rating: *

My reviews usually insert a brief description of the plot, but since there's about a thousand plots I'll start with the man of the hour, the late Heath Ledger who, as said in interviews, was inspired by Malcom McDowell's performance in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, but seems more like Rip Taylor channeling Paul Lynde imitating Johnny Depp impersonating a demented circus clown. Now a violently gay joker I don't mind, but he should at least have a backstory or purpose. Then again this entire film - set in a Gotham City that looks like Manhattan - has no purpose at all. Christian Bale delivers his lines like a porn star Hal 9000; and Mayor Harvey "Two-Face" Dent goes from friendly, highly-energetic politician to sinister villain for no other reason than getting blown up and deformed - REASON being another thing this film lacks... although there's tons of expensive flash to keep rabid "graphic novel" fans wide-eyed, mouths gaping for more. But for someone who likes a coherent storyline no matter what the genre, it's two-and-a-half hours of PURE TORTURE.

GOIN' SOUTH

title: GOIN' SOUTH

year: 1978

cast: Jack Nicholson, Mary Steenburgen, John Belushi, Christopher Lloyd, Jeff Morris

director: Jack Nicholson

rating: ***

Jack Nicholson doing a Strother Martin imitation (stuffy-nose voice and scruffy dog persona) in a comedy/western Nicholson himself directed centering on an outlaw who, to avoid being hanged, marries a tough, classy, stubborn gal with a heart - and mine full - of gold. She uses Jack to do the menial labor, basically putting him through a sort of boot camp, in which they eventually fall in love. "Women love outlaws like little boys love stray puppies", he tells her. It's a nifty character-driven romantic comedy till the last half hour when Jack's old gang returns to steal the gold and, although trying for action, things get somewhat standard and dull. The budding romance between the lady and the tramp is what makes this movie work. The late John Belushi appears in a glorified cameo as lawman Christopher Lloyd's screaming Mexican deputy.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL 3D

title: A CHRISTMAS CAROL 3D

year: 2009

cast: Jim Carrey, Bob Hoskins

director: Robert Zemekis

rating: **

Amazing how much a modern 3D movie can put you RIGHT THERE, like you're experiencing every nook and cranny as a nearby observer. But that's also the problem. Everything happens as if being spied upon - taking away from any story being told... much less a classic one. I never felt the journey - of a grumpy, stingy old man being shown his past, present and future by three ghosts - had any other reason to change Scrooge from a nasty coot to the nicest guy in the world other than the fact he got the piss scared out of him by formidable CGI specters. It had little to do with his neglected childhood, his selfish present state or outlook on Christmas, his doomed future... or a little crippled boy named Tim. (Being shrunk to the size of a walnut and chased around by the Grim Reaper and his demonic black horses would have turned Hitler into a Care Bear too.) Nothing was special about Scrooge's redemption other than the fact he was forced on a trip through hell and was glad to be alive at the end. The point of the Dicken's tale is that Scrooge is SHOWN these things that alter his outlook, not force-fed them. While director Robert Zemekis got his money's worth of CGI, he overlooked everything else.

SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE

title: SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE

year: 2003

cast: Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Amanda Peet, Keanu Reeves

rating: ***1/2

A pleasant surprise about two baby boomers, one a music producer playboy who only dates young girls - Jack Nicholson as himself with a different trade - the other an uptight playwright, Diane Keaton, who's thirty-year-old gorgeous daughter, Amanda Peet, is dating Jack and through miscommunicated fate all three are staying at Keaton's home for the weekend. Jack and the young trophy are about to have sex when he has a heart attack - after he's saved at the hospital, Diane Keaton is stuck with the chore of nursing him back to health. Keanu Reeves plays a doctor, sporting teenage-skater bangs and his usual dormant delivery - although his performance isn't that awful. Reeves, a fan of stage plays, has a crush on Keaton. But Jack and Diane (no this wasn't written by John Cougar) become an item and discover true love neither have experienced. This movie is wonderfully involving but then the last half hour, after the two leads break up, drags on and on. Basically a really nice symphony that doesn't know when to end. But for the most part, as far as romantic comedies go, this one is almost perfect.

HEARTBURN

title: HEARTBURN

year: 1986

cast: Jack Nicholson, Meryl Streep, Jeff Daniels, Stockard Channing

rating: *

In preparation for a movie about two successful Manhattan columnists who quickly tie the knot and have a string of marital problems, Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep rehearse random monologues written for their characters. That's what this movie seems like. The title is what it feels like.

BORN IN EAST L.A. (CHEECH MARIN)

year: 1987
cast: Cheech Marin, Daniel Stern, Jan-Michael Vincent
rating: ***

The cinematic version of Cheech and Chong's Weird Al-esque parody of Bruce Springsteen's BORN IN THE USA, sans Chong, is considered a comedy, of course, but without being very funny. The adventure of an American-born Mexican... Cheech Marin in his first solo outing - mistaken as an illegal immigrant and shipped to Tijuana... doesn't need the overkill of slapstick: like Cheech teaching a group of Japanese dorks how to be Mexican; teaching a Mariachi band how to play rock n' roll; altering a convict's tattoo; or any of the scenes involving Paul Rodriguez. These attempted avenues of misfired humor sidetrack our hero's dilemma: to find a way back across the border. That alone, with an intense Jan-Michael Vincent on his trail, would be entertaining and involving enough without all the silly detours.

THE EVENING STAR

title: THE EVENING STAR

year: 1996

cast: Shirley MacLaine, Bill Paxton, Natasha Richardson, Juliette Lewis, Jack Nicholson, Marion Ross

rating: **

This movie assumes we're a lot more into the story than the story tries to be a good one. Has the same problem as "Texasville", the sequel to the iconic masterpiece "The Last Picture Show"; this being the sequel to another classic "Terms of Endearment" (all four based on novels written by Larry McMurtrey). Takes a lightweight approach continuing from the original wonderfully tragic story of Shirley Maclaine's character, who lost her daughter, Deborah Winger, to cancer, and now has to deal with the grandkids: all grown up and doing... horribly. The youngest son drives a tow truck, the oldest son is in jail, and the precocious daughter, played by Juliette Lewis (overracting as usual), is a moody suicidal college student with a cheating white trash boyfriend. MacLaine tries her best but there's just no story here. When her endearingly grumpy character insults particular family members it's not very funny because we don't know them enough to understand (or care about) her loathing. And whenever needed, she looks through albums with pictures of the original film, thus paving the way for Jack Nicholson, returning in a cameo, which doesn't help things one bit. He and Shirley have the chemistry of two dead sea slugs as they wander around chatting about life, death, and love: which they didn't have to talk about since they EXPERIENCED these things in "Terms". Bill Paxton adds some silly bumpkin flavor as a councelor who has an affair with MacLaine, doing the best young Jack Nicholson impression he can muster. Natasha Richardson as "Patsy", who was Winger's laidback plain-looking pal in "Terms" (played by another actress), here is a spunky beautiful rich divorcee, providing a somewhat weak foil for MacLaine. And Marion Ross as the faithful maid is probably the best performance of the bunch... at least she has something to do.

STRANGER THAN FICTION

year: 2006

cast: Will Ferrell, Tom Hulce

rating: ***

Will Ferrell has his very own THE TRUMAN SHOW, centering on a mild-mannered, rut-dwelling accountant who hears a narration in his head. Someone is narrating his own life, and predicts his up-coming death. Turns out the person is a writer whom invented a character exactly like Ferrell and he has to stop her before she finishes the book. But before that Ferrell deals with the voice by visiting shrink Dustin Hoffman, who isn't as shocked as he should be about this situation. Ferrell meets a proud liberal gal who bakes cookies and refuses to pay some of her taxes (the 13% that will go to the military) and as their relationship grows (she thaws and he gets more laidback) the voice seems to lessen, as does the intensity, and initial premise, of the film. But things get back on in line when he has to track down the author before it's too late. Ferrell has a couple funny moments doing his usual I'm-just-a-tad-behind-everyone-else-but-above-them-at-the-same-time signature character, but here, unlike some of his other outings, there's an interesting enough story to give him purpose. Plus the B-side involving the eccentric author, played by Emma Thompson, who can't find a suitable death for her character, adds some vitality. And it's always nice seeing Dustin Hofffman again. NOTE: For all you Generation X'ers - if the plot to this movie seems familiar, then you, like myself, may have grown up reading Sesame Street's THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK, which involves Grover trying to stop the story... HIS story... from ending. "Don't turn the page!!!"

ASSASSINATION

title: ASSASSINATION

year: 1987

cast: Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, Randy Brooks, Billy Hayes, Jan Gan Boyd

rating: ***1/2

Mainly an excuse for Charles Bronson to co-star alongside wife Jill Ireland (who usually cameos or co-stars but here is an equal partner). Ireland is a bratty, brash, bitchy First Lady and Bronson the tough-as-nails secret service officer who has to protect her from assassins who might be working for the president himself. The music is worse than a porno, the pacing is slow at times and the dialog seems written for the USA channel; but when the THINGS BLOW UP AND GO BOOM action occurs, you'll forget the flaws and have a pretty good time. And with all the frenzied, flowing, overboard action, the most unrealistic scene is when young and sexy Asian agent Jan Gan Boyd all but rapes the sixty-something leathery bobcat. Otherwise, just go with it.

THE EIGER SANCTION

title: THE EIGER SANCTION

year: 1975

cast: Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, Jack Cassidy

director: Clint Eastwood

rating: ***1/2

Clint Eastwood's eighties action film FIREFOX is boring for an hour and a half; then the last thirty minutes as he's flying the plane is awesome. This movie involving a retired assassin/art professor/mountain climber (one eclectic dude) brought back to kill two men, one of whom is climbing the giganic Eiger Mountain, is the complete opposite. The hour and a half involving Eastwood travelling around like James Bond, bedding down babes, killing double-crossers and training for his mission is fantastic. But when we get to the mountain the film's named after (sanction means assassination by the way) things go... DOWNWHILL. But most of the movie is a fantastic ride.

RV

title: RV

year: 2006

cast: Robin Williams, Jeff Daniels

director: Barry Sonnenfeld

rating: **

Feels like a NyQuil nightmare. Plot centers on a family going on a road trip vacation in a rented RV, and the problems that arise, including another family who basically stalks them and are very vapid and simple-minded. Why? Because they're Middle Americans! Unlike NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION, where the kids and wife are subjected to their dad's corny cross-country agenda, here father Robin Williams has to cater to his son's wigger/rapping lingo, his daughter's environmentalist-spouting tantrums, and his wife's "I'm An Equal Partner in this Marriage" lectures. It seems the more PC the world gets, the less a place there is for good ol' dad. This is a pretty bad film, but somewhere along the way it gets somewhat involving as Williams tries saving his job while trying to please his bratty clan and keep the RV rolling at the same time, literally.

EYE SEE YOU

title: EYE SEE YOU

year: 2002

cast: Sylvester Stallone, Tom Berenger, Charles Dutton, Kris Kristofferson, Robert Prosky, Robert Patrick, Rance Howard

rating: **1/2

This Sly Stallone straight-to-DVD action/suspense with one of the stupidest titles in history isn't that bad. A mysterious cop killer follows a cop (Sly) to a remote snow-laden outpost rehabilitation center and kills off the patients one by one. Stallone's workmates and his beautiful wife were slaughtered by this unseen madman - which sent Sly on a drinking binge that caused him to seek the rehabilitation. Now he has to not only get in touch with his feelings but as the body count continues in the gray, spooky corridors of the hospital (once a government outpost), he must stop the killer - who's very good at lurking in the shadows. What starts out as a dime-a-dozen action flick with way too many close-ups and MTV-like flashbacks turns into a decent ripoff of John Carpenter's THE THING. The mystery of who the murderer is will keep you interested till the end.

BUFFALO '66

title: BUFFALO '66

year: 1998

cast: Vincent Gallo, Christina Ricci, Ben Gazzara, Angelica Huston, Kevin Corrigan, Jan-Michael Vincent, Mickey Rourke, Rosanna Arquette

writer/director: Vincent Gallo

rating: ****

This is like one of those eerie nightmares you have as a grownup that is strangely enjoyable and completely involving. Beginning with a guy played by actor/writer/director Vincent Gallo fresh out of a five-year prison stint who REALLY needs to take a piss but can't find a bathroom anywhere. Then he kidnaps a beautiful (and somewhat willing) young tap dancer Christina Ricci (in a building where he almost finds a toilet), brings her to his family and poses her as his wife. We then get a wonderful half-hour in which Gallo, Ricci and his parents, Angelica Huston and Ben Gazzara, have the most complicated anti-bonding dinner in history. After which Gallo and Ricci... who's now totally into being abucted by this insult-spouting, tantrum-throwing, goblin-chinned freak... go bowling, then go to Denny's, then get a Motel (but not having sex)... After which Gallo ventures off alone to a strip bar owned by a retired kicker of the Buffalo Bills - to kill the kicker for losing the Superbowl in which Gallo lost money on a bet in which, to make up for the debt he had to serve five years in prison for a crime he didn't commit (remember now, the film begins with him getting out). This indie gem is downright brilliant with wonderful imagery, antique film stock, strategically placed camera-angles and split-screen flashbacks that all work to embody the delightfully nightmarish quality. Vincent Gallo is at his peak as the troubled, woman-hating ex-con and Christina Ricci is basically a pretty piece of meat, but that's EXACTLY what she's supposed to be. The climax involving Gallo facing off with the Bills kicker at the Strip Joint is one of the best filmed purposely-overly-violent scenes ever, reminiscent of early Scorsese and, a year later, "borrowed" by the directors of "The Matrix".

ONE HOUR PHOTO

title: ONE HOUR PHOTO

year: 2002

cast: Robin Williams

rating: *

This film, the TAXI DRIVER for the TEVO generation, is one of the worst movies ever made. A straight-laced seemingly-normal extremely lonely psychopath working at a "SAV-MART" in the, yep, ONE HOUR PHOTO center stalks a picture-perfect family which includes a husband (always donning a superb 5 O'Clock Shadow), a wife (Anne Archer of the Emo set) and son (with cute shaggy hair) who all look straight out of a Starbucks ad. We know Robin Williams CAN act seriously (as "The World According to Garp", "Dead Poet's Society" and "Good Will Hunting" will prove) but his performance as "Sy Parrish" (can you get a more symbolic name?) is downright laughable. The first half, centering on "Sy" working within the store and taking his job way too seriously (delving into the punctuating technicques of processing photos and comparing it to humanity in general), collecting run-off photographs of the targeted family and following them around the connected shopping center, far exceeds the second half wherein "Sy" is being chased by the "Threat Management" after finally taking things too far. "Sy" goes from a quiet spooky Norman Bates type into a cross between Freddy Kruger and any villain in a Bruce Willis action flick. His performance from hot to cold is downright embarressing, but not as much as the writing and directing, which tries VERY HARD to weave within a crazy person's mind but ends up scratching the surface... with nothing beneath. I'm still waiting for this movie to get the "so-bad-it's-good" credit it deserves.

THE VALACHI PAPERS

title: THE VALACHI PAPERS

year: 1972

cast: Charles Bronson

rating: **

You'd think a Charles Bronson flick involving prison, mafia hitmen, gun fights and car chases would be sure-fire, but this is a jumbled mess. Seeming like a cheap Italian import with looped dialog, the story's confusing and frantically leaps from one situation to the next. Although there's narration (Bronson telling his story to an FBI agent who has him in protective custody), it's still difficult to know where the story's at, where it's going, or where it's been. And after a while you just don't care. Bronson's acting is (as usual) on par (his character more "Vince Majestyk" than "Paul Kersey") but he's simply running in circles. A dizzying maze prologuing better films such as the Michael Winner "trilogy" THE MECHANIC, THE STONE KILLER, and DEATH WISH.

THE GNONE-MOBILE

title: THE GNOME-MOBILE

year: 1968

cast: Walter Brennan

rating: *

I've been on a Disney kick lately, watching (or rather, re-watching) all those live-action gems I grew up being amazed by. Within ten minutes of this vapid doozy about a bunch of "little people" in the forest being threatened by a big bad environmental corporation, when the three leads all broke into song... my addiction went belly-up. To quote John Cleese's character in SILVERADO: "Today my jurisdiction ends here".

MEET DAVE

title: MEET DAVE

year: 2009

cast: Eddie Murphy

rating: **

The plot is... um... an alien sent to earth that looks like a man but is really a vessel/spaceship. Inside is a crew and they control the man... or, spaceship, or... vessel, whose name becomes Dave... around New York - searching for an orb that landed in a fish bowl that was supposed to land in the ocean and will take all the water from earth and save their planet. This is a terrible movie that somehow, with all it's craziness, gets you involved... and I'm still not sure how. Eddie Murphy plays both the title character/vessel and the Captain Kirk-like leader within the humanoid, leading a crew that, like the Sperm segment in Woody Allen's "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)", all takes part in controlling the exterior "human" functions - from his bowels to his brain to everything in-between. This allows Murphy, as the vessel (Dave), to be goofy and silly - a victim of whatever's needed to pass as a human: basically doing a rubberfaced Jim Carrey imitation throughout. Meanwhile the Captain inside takes the more serious role. I'm not sure which Murphy is better or worse - or how, at one point, you actually find yourself addicted to the silliness with an embarrassing desire for an outcome... But it does happen and you might not forgive yourself for watching this turkey till the bitter end.

WHATEVER WORKS

year: 2009

rating: *

A hotdog consists of rejected parts of a pig all thrown together and picked up off the butcher's floor. This is Woody Allen's hotdog. Many of the elements are borrowed from past films, like his fourth-wall-breaking first-person-narrating philosophy of life being meaningless and love being luck and everyone is dying and... all that stuff that was once entertaining when Woody Allen was younger, and funny. His patented neurotic-Jewish-Intellectual character is given to Larry David as a chess-instructing codger who marries a gorgeous teenager, Evan Rachel Wood. This entire concept is funnier than any line in the movie; not ha-ha but "Am I actually supposed to buy this" funny. And there are plenty of one-liners but nothing seems to matter: the characters all frolic stupidly before David so he can put them down. Proving again and again he's no Woody Allen. And as a writer, either is Woody Allen anymore.

THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES

year: 1968

rating: **

The first of three Disney "Dexter Riley" films starring Kurt Russell as the head of a group of eavesdropping science students at an always financially-strapped University is too plot-heavy. Dexter gets electracuted by a computer and his brain becomes one, allowing him to pass tests with ease and excell and anything having to do with facts or memorization. There's a boring blonde kid named "Pete" who, in later Dexter films, is replaced as Dexter's sidekick by Michael McGreevy as "Schuyler". McGreevy is in this movie but hasn't become Archie's Jughead yet. And there's too much emphasis on Ceaser Romero, William Schallert and Joe Flynn and not enough of the kids. This film isn't a students-strike-back team effort like the other two. It's mostly all about Dexter and the grown-ups and the premise gets pretty tired quick. "Now You See Him Now You Don't" is much better.

NOW YOU SEE HIM, NOW YOU DON'T

year: 1972

cast: Kurt Russell, Joe Flynn, Michael McGreevey, Richard Bakalyan, Ceaser Romero, Mike Evans, Jim Backus, William Windom, Joyce Menges

rating: ***

If there were a "Dexter Riley" TV series (based on the characters from "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"), centering on the title character and his science class University cohorts, this would be the best episode; the worst being the follow-up "The Strongest Man in the World". Although Kurt Russell looks more like a jock than a geek you forget he's anyone else but the energetic young man who starred in many live-action Disney films of the sixties and seventies (before becoming John Carpenter's Clint Eastwood). He and goofball buddy Schuyler (Disney staple Michael McGreevey, a human cartoon) use a spray Dexter invented that turns things invisible to win a science contest (and to free the school from debt) - but first must be excepted into the running. So they follow their dean Joe Flynn to the golf course, a non-golfer trying to impress a millionaire golf nut who runs the contest. An invisible Dexter helps all Flynn's shots go in the hole - this is the funnest part of the film... after which that string of purposely-frustrating "Disney-letdowns" occur: the things that once worked now fail because of a villain's tampering. The spray is stolen by Ceaser Romero, a crime boss with plans to turn the campus into his own Las Vegas. He and cohort Richard Bakalan (always a Disney thug and the cop who kills Faye Dunaway in "Chinatown") make themselves invisible, rob a bank and turn their car invisible. The last twenty minutes involves a chase between the students, the police, and the invisible car. Here things give up creatively but are still entertaining. Above-average Disney fare.

THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE

title: THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE

year: 1984

cast: Rob Lowe, Jodie Foster, Beau Bridges, Seth Green, Lisa Banes

rating: *

An oddball family running various Hotels in New Hampshire, Vienna, New York and then back to New Hampshire. The film adaptation of John Irving's novel centers on the eccentric nomadic Berry clan but focuses mainly on the teenage son (an elvish Rob Lowe) and daughter (Jodie Foster, during the purgatory of her career) of a man (Beau Bridges) who runs the hotels with an ever-optimistic look on life no matter how many bad things happen. The book delves with casual irony into subjects like terrorism, rape and incest, getting away with turning a glib cheek to all things taboo (including homosexuality, which wasn't as discussed in the early/mid eighties). The overly obvious symbolism (like a dog named Sorrow) works in the novel because it's strictly thematic and never forced. But this movie... I just can't begin to explain how bad it is. It was made because of the success (and brilliance) of Irving's "The World According to Garp", a much easier narrative to translate - it's at least about something, or rather, someone. And while "Garp" centers on a mainline story with tragic weirdness surrounding it, this centers on weird tragedy with no real story to be found. Might possibly be the worst adaptation ever made.

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ODDBALL

title: UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ODDBALL

year: 1979

cast: Dennis Dugan

rating: **

At one time Dennis Dugan annoyed me but after "The Howling" I began to appreciate him. He's not too bad here (as a cross between Don Knotts and Dean Jones) playing duo roles: a scientist and a robot-astronaut clone of himself. Both go up in a rocket (the scientist accidently) and land in King Arthur's court where our wimpy hero battles Sir Mordred (Jim Dale, a Disney staple) and woos a beautiful farm girl while teaching King Arthur and Merlin about the history of America. What begins as a semi-intriguing sci-fi comedy gets weighed down by the setting of the book, Mark Twains "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court", wherein the adaptation value of a modern man in Arthurian England being mistaken for a wizard, the best aspect of the novel, is all but lost within silly swordplay and meandering, unfunny hijinks. Overall this is a Disney dud.

SHOWGIRLS

title: SHOWGIRLS

year: 1995

cast: Elizabeth Berkley, Gina Gershon

normal movie rating: *

bad movie rating: *****

One of the greatest bad movies ever made, this was directed by a bigwig and written by another bigwig (who previously teamed up for "Basic Instinct") and was supposed to be a blockbuster of epic proportions and turned out to be the biggest bomb on the planet, but since has gained a "Springtime for Hitler" like adoration and a gaggle of rabid fans for which I am one. Movie starts out with a tall girl who resembles an ostrich (or llama... or both) who gets picked up by an Elvis impersonator in a raised truck. They go to Vegas and within minutes he steals her stuff, leaving her in Sin City where she promptly meets a black girl who will become her own personal Laverne... or Shirley. Then she gets a job at a dive strip club and not long after becomes a... yep... showgirl in a big-time musical-striptease perhaps even cornier than "Satan's Alley" from STAYING ALIVE. The nudity's about as sexual as an issue of National Geographic; purposely proving that naked girls in a Vegas stripshow are par for the course (and who can argue?). The acting (especially by Berkley) is unintentionally hilarious and the plot is so vapid one can't NOT realize the truly miraculous marvel that is SHOWGIRLS.

FREEJACK

year: 1991

cast: Emilio Estevez, Mick Jagger, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo, Jonathan Banks

rating: ***

Mick Jagger's aware-of-the-camera acting leaves something to be desired in a pretty undesirable but guilty-pleasurable sci-fi future film centering on a city where big corporations rule over ragged bums (no middle class, as is usual with Hollywood sci-fi). Emilio Estevez, as a race car driver brought into the future (as a "freejack") to be used in a body-changing experiment, is in his usual cruise control mode. Mick's character is more fun, and for an antagonist, pretty cool. But as far as great actors go, Anthony Hopkins collects a paycheck as the dying millionaire who wants Estevez's body (don't get the wrong idea) and Rene Russo struts with her big chin in the air, as usual. There's plenty of stupid action and dated nineties almost-CGI special effects for ninety minutes. And Jonathan Banks is always good as a villain. On the other hand, Amanda Plummer, as a foul-mouthed nun, will make you want to punch your television screen. This is one of those theatrical films that seems like a made-for-cable movie, and for that, it's not too shabby. That is, if you dig that kinda thing.

LAND OF THE LOST (2009)

year: 2009

cast: Will Ferrell

rating: *1/2

In most cases when Hollywood revamps an old TV show and turns it into a film, it seems the stars of the film are intruding upon the show's template but trying to keep the basic plot intact while altering things for their particular style. In this case the (side) character's of the classic Sid and Mart Krofft's LAND OF THE LOST are intruding upon a really bad Will Farrell science-fiction action comedy mess... and don't seem too happy about it. Enik The Altrusion, Grumpy the Dinosaur, the Sleestaks, and Chaka seem like prisoners conforming to Farrell and his two co-stars raunchy hijinks, which are as funny as lung cancer (Ferrell delivers a few lines well, but has nothing to do with the storyline being funny... it's just him). The action is pretty much non-stop like a person with nothing to say never shuts up. And the CGI looks like a cartoon. JURASSIC SOUTH PARK would be a more fitting title (no offense to either). Well the good thing is, the film bombed, big time. Let's hope Hollywood learns that we Generation Xers love our old shows (no matter how corny they were) and would rather celebrate than parody (i.e. ruin) them. Get your hands off our childhood you unoriginal bastards, and start thinking up new ideas that can be demolished in thirty years by someone else. Then again, nothing in the last ten years would probably merit a remake. So I guess that explains all the remakes.

FROGS

title: FROGS

year: 1973

cast: Ray Milland, Joan Van Ark, Adam Rourke, Sam Elliott, Lynn Borden, Judy Pace

rating: ***1/2

It's kind of a misleading title as the FROGS are the instigative generals who only attack at the end. REPTILES would be more fitting as it embodies snakes, lizards, gators... and, yes, the frogs... who are surrounding a big mansion in New Orleans owned by a rich industrialist (Ray Milland) who's bad to the environment, making a lot of noise and pissing off his family who can't sleep. Sam Elliott is a "green" photographer who happens upon the bratty clan who all eventually get picked off one after the other during a holiday family gathering. Adam Rourke is a standout as Milland's playboy son, as is Lynn Borden as his beautiful, but aging, primadonna wife. This is actually a very well photographed film (with amazing natural shots) with a Tenessee Williams aura and not a cheesy B-movie as the title (and poster) implies. Overall it's quite RIBBITING!

MRS. COLUMBO (TV)

title: MRS. COLUMBO

year: 1979-1980

cast: Kate Mulgrew

rating: **

Well no wonder Lt. Columbo (Peter Falk) would always talk about his wife; she was a pretty twenty-five year old woman, not an Italian gal in her forties like most fans imagined. Casting Kate Mulgrew as Columbo's wife was ludicrous and after a while the title was changed to "Kate The Detective". So I'll review that show, since "Mr. Columbo" was always on a case and never at home anyway (Falk had nothing to do with this show that came out a year after "Columbo" went off the air) while Kate raises a young daughter and solves murders, working as a journalist in one of those free newspapers you see outside supermarkets. Kate doesn't badger her culprits while acting the fool like her hubby; instead she charms and coddles them into submission. The same device of the audience seeing the murder in the first ten minutes is continued but doesn't mean much since there's really no trick to her solving crimes other than being smart, curious, and somewhat creative. Kate Mulgrew's acting is good though, and perhaps if the show began as "Kate The Detective", keeping everything EXCEPT the fact she's supposedly married to a fifty year old man who resembles a dirty sock, it might have had a chance. Then again...

THE DOORS: OTHER VOICES (album)

band: THE DOORS

title: OTHER VOICES

year: 1971

rating: ***1/2

An underrated album, the first (and best) of two that came out after Jim Morrison took a permenent vacation to Paris. The first track EYE OF THE SUN sounds like LET IT ROCK by Chuck Berry but with more "spaceage" lyrics, and has some nifty slide guitar; Ray sings in his husky bluesy black man voice, and it opens up the album with a subtle charge. Track 2: "Variety is the Spice of Life", Robby's nasally voice leading a purposely goofy party-tune. My favorite track follows, "Ships W/ Sails", a Samba "Riders of the Storm" with flowing (sailing) guitars and hypnotic organ throughout; Ray's vocals mixed with Robby's is good yet the lyrics get a little corny ("Well, you asked how much I love you... Why do ships with sails love the wind?"): but the spontaneous jamming wins things over. "Tightrope Ride" shows Ray's vocal range and is one of the more rocking tracks. Side Two fares decently with "Down on the Farm", the album's ballad; "I'm Horny I'm Stoned", the slightly better, more catchy sequel to "Variety is the Spice of Life"; Robbie again having a musical freewheeling party with awesome leads and some honky tonk bar-room piano liken to "You Make Me Real". "Wandering Musician" is the album's clunker, going absolutely nowhere and very slowly at that. And we end with "Hang On To Your Life", which is most likely about Jim Morrison... what he didn't do... the tune leading with an African Rhythmic vibe and some really neat guitar licks join in (a poor man's "Sympthay for the Devil", but sounding great). Basically this is The Doors Lounge Lizard album - something you'd hear in a hotel bar in the Bahamas... but with a good tall drink. It doesn't live up to even the worst Morrison-Doors tracks (which there aren't many), but it's a fun ride overall. And quite a curio.

RETURN FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN

year: 1978

cast: Kim Richards, Ike Eisenmann, Bette Davis

rating: ***1/2

The original, ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN, centered too much on Eddie Albert, his RV, and the villain and not enough of the kids. I realize the kids were the stars but it didn't seem as much their movie as this sequel in which the alien brother and sister take a visit to L.A. and things go wrong really quick. The boy is kidnapped and brainwashed by evil Christopher Lee, his henchman Anthony James, and Lee's seemingly-bad counterpart Bette Davis (who turns good later on). The girl escapes and joins a gang of ten year old street urchins and they plan to rescue the brother. Good versus evil is a lot funner this time around since there are more kids involved. I also enjoyed the climax pitting brother and sister against each other. Chalk this up as another example where the sequel trumps the original. At least for me.

SIX PACK

title: SIX PACK

year: 1982

cast: Kenny Rogers, Diane Lane, Erin Gray, Anthony Michael Hall, Terry Kiser, Barry Corbin

rating: **

When people think of acting it's usually how a performer speaks his or her lines. But acting is just as physical as verbal. How a person walks, runs, sits, stares in repose/reflection, is just as important as line delivery, and Kenny Rogers does it all horribly. Witnessing a fat Kenny (with an always perfectly combed shaggy dog beard) playing a car racer who every woman on earth is nuts about (including Erin Gray) hanging out with a bunch of orphaned freewheeling car thief kids (including Diane Lane and Anthony Michael Hall) is as entertaining for bad movie fans as a bad movie gets. Just sit and stare at Mr. Rogers, who fully realizes there is a camera pointing at him, and you will be thoroughly entertained on a level impossible to explain till you experience it for yourself. For those who live for cinematic torture, I recomend this highly.

SUPERDAD

title: SUPERDAD

year: 1972

cast: Bob Crane, Kurt Russell, Bruno Kirby, Ed Begley Jr.

rating: *1/2

Creepy. The intro has Bob Crane (famous for the title role in "Hogans Heroes" and his sex video hobby that eventually led to his murder) running around on a beach with his teenage daughter, and his daughter is telling him that he, her dad, is the only man for her... or something just as sickening. Bob tries winning her, and her childhood-friend-turned-boyfriend (Kurt Russell), and all their beachy pals (including Bruno Kirby and Ed Begley Jr.) over by surfing and waterskiing and partying and basically being a "cool hip dad". Bob, looking more like Porky Pig than Hogan, eventually cross-country stalks his daughter who's gone off to college, making sure no man gets near her. And eventually battles an evil San Fransico Beatnik she's taken up with — thus proving he's really a super dad afterall. Creepy.

THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE

title: THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE

year: 1978

cast: Ken Berry

rating: ***

Domestic cats seem like they're from outer space to begin with; with their haughty mannerisms alone they're merely looking down on we mortal humans. So having a cat be from a more intellegent highly developed planet isn't much of a stretch. The tabby cat hero in this averagely entertaining live-action seventies Disney film merely has to act like a cat, and with the aid of a collar full of lights that glow when it's allowing humans to fly or horses to win races, it's totally believeable that this creature is better than us. For the most part the cat, Jake (voiced by Ronnie Schell), is better than the film itself, which isn't too bad but kind of meanders along at times; the first half set-up as the cat adapts to Earth, helps his friends bet horses and win a pool match against mobsters fares better than the last part outwitting government agents. Ken Berry does a decent job replacing the usual Disney staple Dean Jones (Berry is to Jones what Buddy Ebson is to Eddie Albert). It's interesting seeing both M*A*S*H colonels McClean Stevenson and Harry Morgan in a film together. And Jake's spaceship, which looks like the head of an space alien grasshopper, is kinda cool lookin'... at least from the outside.

THE HUEY WILLIAMS STORY (book)

title: THE HUEY WILLIAMS STORY

author: Andy Kaufman

rating: *****

This is a pseudo-autographical novel written by the late comic/actor/performer Andy Kaufman from 1977 to 1983. Most of the book centers on a young Huey's adventures climbing a mystical mountain at an amusement park and the further up he goes, the more adventures he finds himself involved in - basically it's a journey into "other lands", very dreamlike in its nature. The story will then go back and forth to Huey growing up "on earth" (i.e. in reality) and eventually becoming a comedian and actor. When things get too normal we return to the mountain: back into dreamland again (although it's never said to be an actual dream; and the "normal" story's character learns from the mountain experiences). The writing flows beautifully and the book even keeps in grammer and spelling mistakes just as Kaufman typed it. The story concludes suddenly with a description of a random building in New York; Kaufman was in the midst of the disease that would kill him and obviously couldn't continue (there are dates, like in journal entries, before each "chapter", and this last segment ends only months before his death). The first couple chapters before Huey climbs the mountain - centering on he and his kindergarten pals wandering the neighborhood and being chased by tract bullies - is as realistic and involving as any coming-of-age prose I've read. It's a shame that this story, and HIS story, had to end so soon.

KRIEGER/MANZEREK (concert)

artists: ROBBY KRIEGER/RAY MANZEREK OF "THE DOORS"
date: October 9th/2009

venue: The Grove, Anaheim

rating: *****

I don't think Jim Morrison, the singer, is overrated. As a singer I think he's underrated. As a sex symbol - his shirtless image outshining the other members of THE DOORS on posters, books, etc., he's overrated... either that or guitarist Robby Krieger, organist Ray Manzerek and drummer John Densmore are underrated, not only as musicians but as members of this iconic band. Well I got a chance to see two outta three: Robby and Ray... and now it's confirmed - not only is their part in THE DOORS legacy just as important as Morrison but they can still play... INCREDIBLY. The bassist and drummer were good (as expected), and the "replacement singer" had a nasally voice and looked more like Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter" than The Lizard King, but this was okay (and perhaps intentional)... he wasn't trying to replace Morrison but was simply carrying the vocals so Robby and Ray could do their stuff. The peak of the set was Krieger's unbelievable five minute flamenco guitar solo, which then lead to an awesome "Spanish Caravan". Ray took the role as MC, talking between songs (sounding like the plant in the eighties film version of "Little Shop of Horrors") and sometimes even during them; instigating people to get high during "Break On Through" and to revive the Summer of Love in 2010 before "Light My Fire": which, he reminded the audience at least five times, was written entirely by Krieger. Both R's look pretty aged (Ray with spiky gray hair and Robby looking more like "Seafelt" from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" than his former "twin", comic Steven Wright) but both still have the same stage presence and haven't slowed down as performers: Ray the concentrative crouching praying mantis over the keys while Robby paints wonderfully weaving pictures with his Gibson SG (many of them actually). "When The Music's Over" was a highlight, carrying a ton of lighting bolt/thunder clap intensity; "The Changeling" was a sweet surprise; "The Soft Parade" was perhaps the only "bathroom song" (the singer forgetting some of the lyrics); "Back Door Man", "Break On Through", "Waiting for the Sun", "Peace Frog", "Blue Sunday" and "L.A. Woman" were wonderfully tight and colorful; while "Love Me Two Times", "Love Her Madly", "Touch Me" and "Light My Fire" were passable... but still quite a treat. Bummer they didn't do "Riders On The Storm" or "Roadhouse Blues" (both were on the set-list, which was stolen from the stage by a friend of mine SECONDS after the band left the stage)... but overall it was an incredible show.

THE WILD BUNCH

title: THE WILD BUNCH

year: 1969

rating: ***

The first half hour thrusts you into a really cool place you don't return to again. This was a purposefully anti-Western agenda: putting what would usually be a climax up front... but things seem to meander for most of the film, especially when the Bunch goes to Mexico and loses their youngest member in a death scene that nearly lasts an hour (or at least feels that way). Warren Oates and Ben Johnson, two of my favorite actors, act like Heckle and Jeckle in some scenes. William Holden holds things together dependably. And Ernest Borgnine is... Ernest Borgnine. But my favorite character is Bo Hopkins, who plays a rogue lunatic that only lasts through the opening (seen in intense flashbacks). I wish his character would have remained throughout. This Bunch needed more Wild, and he epitomized that perfectly.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA

year: 1974

cast: Warren Oates, Isela Vega

writer/director: Sam Peckinpah

rating: ****1/2

The bizarre journey of a loser and his guitar-playing heart-of-gold whore girlfriend, driving across Mexico to cut off the head of a (dead and buried) gigolo named Alfredo Garcia and return it for money, is offbeat like a bum is untidy. Everything makes its own sense and there's a lotta neat violence, slow-motion deaths, and best of all, Warren Oates, giving the performance of a lifetime. Isela Vega is the epitome of a supportive role, and while this isn't Sam Peckinpah's best film, through all the tortrous insanity it definitely FEELS like his most personal.

JUNIOR BONNER

year: 1972

rating: ***

It's The Getaway team Sam Peckinpah/Steve McQueen in sleep mode. Not too bad but doesn't seem fitting to either the director or star. And gets a little too preachy about the haves and the have-nots, distracting what could have been a lean, clean character-study. Junior Bonner (McQueen), a bronco/bull rider, returns to his hometown for a competition and gets back in touch with his has-been father (Robert Preston), his put-upon mother (Ida Lupino), and his materialistic entrepeneur brother (Joe Don Baker) who's basically turning the small town into a real estate goldmine... for himself. Robert Preston's acting style (he always seems ready to break into song) fits more on stage than a "modern" film and distracts from McQueen's slowburn cool. Things are more interesting while centering on the bull riders as opposed to the family. Nothing really clicks when combining these two storylines, but the images, like any Peckinpah movie, are quite good: including Peck's slow-motion signature shots but without any deaths this time around.

PARADISE ALLEY

year: 1978

cast: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Kevin Conway

writer/director: Sylvester Stallone

rating: **

A movie that begins with a song sung by Sylvester Stallone has to be good... for something. If not simply for laughs. This is Sly's followup to ROCKY and has the feel of a film noir comic book and the dialogue of a pulpy dime novel. Sly plays a fast-talking role he'd have written for Burt Young or a more versitile character-actor, but doesn't do too bad a job... his acting is better than his directing herein. Plot centers on three brother (named in order up top): the main one a flaky rogue; one a crooked thug; one a very large, dumb lovable oaf... and there's barroom wrestling. It's no surprise which brother manages, which one wants all the money, and which one wrestles? Well Sly's not the fighter this time, and Armand Assante is both big brother and semi-antagonist (Funhouse star Kevin Conway the main heavy). This was Stallone's sophmore jinx after ROCKY rocketed him to stardom. The film has heart, but is, overall, a pointless mess.

CANNONBALL

title: CANNONBALL

year: 1976

cast: David Carradine, Belinda Balaski, Robert Carradine, Bill McKinney, Sylvester Stallone, Martin Scorsese, Dick Miller

director: Paul Bartel

rating: ****

Not as beloved as Roger Corman's "Deathrace 2000", the car-race film also starring David Carradine and directed by Paul Bartel, but is, in its own way, better. No funny-violent sideplot here, just a straight-out cross-country race based on the real life (and very illegal) Cannonball Run; yes, the same one Burt Reynolds and Hal Needham would take on a few years later... but this is more raw, rough and ragged. Each group has their own quirks and motivations, allowing the viewer to care about the outcome and feel part of the action, which is pretty much non-stop. Sylvester Stallone, who played Carradine's arch-enemy in "Deathrace 2000", makes a cameo as a mobster (along with Martin Scorsese).

PRESCRIPTION: MURDER

title: PRESCRIPTION: MURDER

year: 1968

cast: Peter Falk, Gene Barry

rating: ***

Columbus discovered America, and I've discovered Columbo, one of the best crime shows ever made. The perfect murder almost pulled-off by usually high class high brow society members thwrated by the epitome of "the little guy": a sloppy glass-eyed remora cop who eventually gets his man or woman by slowly figuring out what we, the audience, already know by sticking to them like crazy glue: each episode beginning with a creative homocide - the audience sees who the killer is and it's up to Columbo to figure things out from there. That was the series that came out in 1971, but this, the 1968 TV movie, not even called COLUMBO: PERSCRIPTION FOR MUDER but simply PERSCRIPTION FOR MURDER, isn't that great because, for one, Falk hadn't completely found the character yet. He only wears his trademark trenchcoat (the reverse superman cape) halfway through the episode, in the beginning donning a somewhat nifty suit. He's not clumsy and unassuming but precise, clean-shaven with a neat short haircut, not looking much different than the classy psychiatrist he's out to bust for killing his wife: aided by his lover, a beautiful actress. Columbo is more of a snarky tough guy than an accidental, neurotic genius here... although he does underrate himself somewhat and badgers people - only it's not as fun or entertaining. The third episode (actually, the second episode, not including this movie which ISN'T a pilot) MURDER BY THE BOOK (1971), directed by Steven Speilberg, REALLY gets the ball rolling. And it's all uphill from there. "Oh, and one more thing..."

DRESSED TO KILL

year: 1980

cast: Angie Dickinson, Keith Gordon, Michael Caine, Nancy Allen

writer/director: Brian DePalma

rating: ****

The best part of a symphony, often unheard on a record or CD, is the orchestra tuning: that strange, hypnotic sound that exists for a short time - which then becomes something wonderful. This film builds to a wonderful symphony but without losing the eerie embryonic "tuning-up" that formed it. The plot and direction owes a great deal to Hitchcock's PSYHCO. The main character ... so it seems... is a troubled middle-aged woman (Angie Dickinson) who, right as we're getting into her dilemma/story-line, is suddenly butchered by a "female-like-person" (Michael Caine), actualy a man who acts normal but - it turns out - is a murderous cross-dresser. Nancy Allen (as a hooker/witness) and Keith Gordon (the brainy son of Dickinsen) are the Vera Miles and John Gavin who carry the film the rest of the way. We even get a psychiatrist's explanation liken to the one delivered by Simon Oakland; not one but TWO shower scenes; and what's missing with Martin Balsam's pesty investigator we get in grumpy police sergeant Dennis Franz (who doesn't fall backwards down a stairway). This is proof that remakes can be done-away-with entirely by taking the basic storyline of a classic film and morphing it into something completely original. I guess that's not an easy feat - which is why they'll probably remake this one day.

THE BUNKER

title: THE BUNKER

year: 1981

cast: Anthony Hopkins, Richard Jordan, James Naughton

rating: **

Too much emphasis on making Anthony Hopkins LOOK like the infamous German dictator while his acting is either too little or too much: mellow one minute, over-the-top the next. The mellow Hitler seems constrained by the make-up while the screaming Hitler is trying to break out of it. Richard Jordan as Hitler's faithless confidant keeps some kind of balance going on, but not enough. Hopkins as Hitler fares better in a photograph than a performance.

OUT TO SEA

title: OUT TO SEA

year: 1997

cast: Walter Mathau, Jack Lemmon, Hal Linden, Brent Spiner

rating: ***1/2

Nifty follow-up (not sequel) to GRUMPY OLD MEN with the dynamic-duo Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon playing, you got it, old codgers, this time posing as employed dance-partners on a cruise ship for wealthy old lady passengers: a sort of tricky Three's Company style of "don't get caught" ruse comedy. Mathau's character is an endearing gambling slob and Lemmon is a shy, passive neat-nick... sound familiar? There's a few runaround cons involving poor folks pretending to be rich then realizing they don't need money for love. The trickery and hijinks will keep you mildly entertained, which is all this movie asks for. The scene-stealer, though, is jerky antagonist Brent Spiner as their boss, seeming a cross between Peter Sellers and a human rodent.

HEARTS IN ATLANTIS

title: HEARTS IN ATLANTIS

year: 2003

cast: Anthony Hopkins, David Morse

rating: **

I could have sworn that Anthony Hopkins was supposed to be the kid as an old man who went back in time to help the kid (a younger version of himself) cope with life and to score with the little girl who ends up dying in the middle storyline wherein David Morse is ACTUALLY the kid grown up and looks exactly like a young Anthony Hopkins. Are you confused? Not as much as I was watching this movie. It begins with David Morse (in the present time) going to a funeral for one friend and then finding out another has also died. Then he visits his dilapidated house and remembers when he was young - in the late sixties - living with a bitchy single mother and an old lodger, played by Hopkins, who helps him with... I think I already covered this part but... This is really just a mediocre coming-of-age tale; a "Stand By Me" (also by Stephen King) but without any purpose. I'm still not sure what happened or what I just wrote about it.