KILL OR BE KILLED

title: KILL OR BE KILLED

year: 1950

cast: Lawrence Tierney, George Coulouris, Marissa O'Brien, Rudolph Anders, Veloso Pires, Mira Lobo

rating: ***1/2

Simplicity at its finest. A low-budget adventure-based film noir about a building constructor played by badass-heavy Lawrence Tierney as a good guy this time around (actually singing and dancing in one scene), returning from the jungle to a South American nightclub to collect a debt for installing air conditioning units. The boss doesn't wanna pay and Tierney tells an employee "If he doesn't pay I'll kill him". Well guess who dies and who gets blamed for it? Tierney escapes and stowsaway on a river boat with a rich woman who's husband lives in a plush mansion within the jungle squalor. He joins a crew and, realizing the haves are screwing the have-nots, lets the husband/bossman - responsible for the initial murder which Tierney is blamed - know he's not happy. The cold-classy villain tries to get the handsome, peskily idealistic intruder - who's also in love with his wife (and vice versa) - to bathe with a riverful of piranhas c/o henchman George Coulouris (Thatcher from CITIZEN KANE). And that's about it. The scant plot and short run-time work in its favor: everything that happens completely matters.

POLTERGEIST III

title: POLTERGEIST III

year: 1988

cast: Heather O'Rourke

rating: *1/2

Carol Anne Freeling (Heather O'Rourke) is now living with her rich aunt (her mother's sister) and uncle in a glass-structured skyscraper that harbors not only apartments but offices and an extended shopping mall. She goes to a special school for kids with... problems and is considered a charlatan for having "tricked" people into believing, basically, everything that occurred in the previous films. So we're back to (and remain at) zero as a Julian Beck ("Preacher Kane") lookalike appears now and again while ghostly "doubles" of the lame new cast sneak around any and every interior, providing no chills whatsoever.

ROCKY III

title: ROCKY III

year: 1982

cast: Sylvester Stallone, Taila Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers, Burgess Meredith, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, Tony Burton, Frank Stallone, Stu Nahan

writer/director: Sylvester Stallone

rating: ****

Taking away the dated and often preposterous factors, including an over-the-top battle against Hulk Hogan that makes us believe professional wrestling isn't scripted, and the casting of eighties icon Mr. T as the mega-villain rival Clubber Lange (who's performance isn't bad, but the character is blatantly one-dimensional), this, the third outing in the ROCKY series, is a terrific ride. The first two films were seemingly-realistic studio-driven-indies while this is the big budget mainstream peak of the franchise: for better or worse, it's all here. The opening credit sequence (after two back-to-back montages), as Burt Young's sloppy and desperate (and often comic-relief-providing) "Paulie" wanders the streets in a drunken stupor, we're reminded of the street-savvy original. And during both of Rocky's training sessions... the first where he's not taking things seriously (an inside-satire of the franchise's corporate megalomania) before going up against his formidable opponent - and then, after getting knocked-out and losing his beloved "Mickey", teaming with former rival/new trainer Apollo Creed in urban downtown Los Angeles - there's a genuine base delivering the goods to near-perfection. Just turn off and have fun.

THE MONSTER HUNTER

title: THE MONSTER HUNTER (NATURAL SELECTION)

year: 1999

cast: David Carradine, Michael Bowen, Bob Balaban, Stephen Root

rating: *1/2

The theme, not plot, is a cross between "Natural Born Killers" and "From Dusk Till Dawn", perhaps explaining why Quentin Tarantino calls this "Brilliant". It's ain't. Enveloped around an independent filmmaker's pseudo-documentary on a mailman serial killer, Michael Bowen, and an FBI agent i.e. Monster Hunter, David Carradine, who's more messed-up than his target-at-hand. The main problem is the over-abundance of interviews with friends, family (of the killer and his victims), workmates, shrinks, authors, and cops, showing how banal white trash (and/or authority) is, distracting from much-needed linear intensity, which does rear its head involving a Bowen/Carradine face-off (real life brother-in-laws and both appearing in QT's KILL BILL), teasing old school exploitation cinema promise but ending too soon, which, alas, the movie doesn't. It seems to last forever.

POLTERGEIST II

title: POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE
year: 1986
cast: Craig T. Nelson, Jobeth Williams, Julien Beck, Heather O'Rourke
rating: *1/2

Although a lot more entertaining than EXORCIST II, this first sequel of the haunted house classic suffers the same futile attempt at explaining the origins of the initial ghostly infestation, and with that there's too many cooks: and the soup tastes pretty sour.

Vapid Indian incantations with extremely horrible and overdone special effects, killer tequila worms, a kid's braces becoming monsters, and a lot of really forced, awful dialogue from characters so natural the first time around... Craig T. Nelson in particular is overboard and hammy beyond belief, and beyond. Not to mention a barrage of blasphemous flashbacks to the original, not only reminding the audience of what was a much better film, but what should have remained untouched, unscathed, and unburdened: And the burden's all on Heather O'Rourke's still cute little Carol Anne, who was a victim before and now holds magical answers like some kind of corny fairy tale...

The only good thing is the casting of Julien Beck as "Kane", the old man preacher/wraith donning a black hat and wicked smile, his looks alone providing the only real chills. Before and after him, it's all flash and... you know the rest.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

title: Thunder and Lightning

cast: David Carradine, Kate Jackson, Charles Napier, Claude Earl Jones

producer: Roger Corman

rating: ***

Those fan boats (the ones made famous on TV's Gentle Ben) jamming around the Everglades are cool. As is the boat chase that encompasses the first twenty minutes. Some car chases too. And a decent plot about moonshiners getting revenge on a corporate soda producer who moonshines in his warehouse at night after sabotaging independents by day, one being David Carradine who, protecting two old men who run a tried-and-true rural "still", and with girlfriend Kate Jackson at his side (who happens to be the daughter of the corporate villain) there's plenty of sticky situations to get in-and-out of, and that means action. But after an hour any reason for the running around runs its course and all seems exercise. Overall a neat Roger Corman outing for the seventies. And Carradine even provides some kung fu for good measure.

BIG HOUSE U.S.A. (1955)

Howard Koch directs this Bel Air Productions crime-prison film-noir with everything. Ralph Meeker "happens upon" a rich kid with asthma in the mountains, who'd escaped from a camp before getting a shot, takes him to a tower and tells him to stay put. Then makes a phone call to the kid's rich father, demanding ransom. After the kid dies accidentally (or is he really dead?), Meeker coldly throws the body off a cliff, then collects the ransom and stashes it. Soon after Ralph is busted. No one can prove he actually kidnapped the boy, so he gets an easy five years for extortion. Ralph is called "Ice Man" because he won't admit what everyone knows, and now he has to face a group of cell mates, all experienced criminals who, using their new tenant, escape to the mountains find that ransom. There's plenty of intrigue and just as much action, and the story takes us to several locations, outdoors and in, and doesn't feel claustrophobic like many old prison movies: the title, although pretty neat, is somewhat misleading. Broderick Crawford, Lon Chaney, William Tallman, and a young muscular Charles Bronson play the hardened convicts wielding Meeker as a cog in their wheel, one that never stops rolling till the climactic shootout. A narrating FBI agent, investigating the nurse who caused the kid to initially run off - perhaps not accidental - provides a nifty peripheral to this forgotten fifties gem.

THE WHOLE SHOOTIN' MATCH

title: THE WHOLE SHOOTIN' MATCH

year: 1978

cast: Sonny Carl Davis, Lou Perryman, Doris Hargrave, Eric Henshaw

director: Eagle Pennell

rating: ****

The CLERKS of the late '70s has two poor white-trash Texas losers, Frank and Loyd, hanging out, drinking beer and trying to get rich quick. Loyd, played by lanky Lou Perryman (resembling a rockabilly Tom Waits), is the idea man with some pretty bad inventions till one, a self-loading mopping device, finally sells for a quick payoff... not realizing the contract left out any gross profits. But the true star of this dusty B&W classic is Frank, played by Sonny Carl Davis (the short bald guy who, years later, was promised a 100% Guaranteed Breakfast in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"), as he neglects his wife, ignores his son, and seems to enjoy himself anyway. The best scenes involve the undynamic-duo sitting around Loyd's dusty office discussing fruitless pie-in-the-sky dreams. The only drawbacks occur when filmmaker Eagle Pennell, who shot this entirely on weekends for over a year, tries overdoing himself with fight scenes (or anything involving fast action) i.e. stuff that costs money to seem realistic. Fans of ultra-low-budget indie films, this is your CITIZEN KANE. It's nitty, gritty, eavesdropping realism you'll rarely - if ever - witness on screen. And the soundtrack, consisting of an acoustic guitar played by Eagle's brother Chuck, is like a character in itself.

HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO

title: HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO

year: 1977

cast: Dean Jones, Don Knotts, Eric Braeden

rating: **1/2

A more fitting title would be THE LUST BUG, as Herbie can't concentrate on qualifying for the big race in Monte Carlo because of a cute little light-blue sports car. Herbie driving off-course to catch his prize becomes a bit distracting, as does a side-plot involving a stolen diamond hidden within the bug's gas tank sought after by two bumbling (and unfunny) crooks. If more was centered on the race: Herbie ala Dean Jones and Don Knotts verses Eric Braeden in his Grand Prix hotrod, it'd be a far more interesting ride. Funnier too.

SUSPIRIA

title: SUSPIRIA

year: 1977

cast: Jessica Harper

director: Dario Argento

rating: *

It's as if the devil himself made a horror film. The problem is, he ain't subtle. Each time something bad's about to happen, grandiosely wicked music blares, the camera pans crazily, and women start screaming. The character build-up i.e. downtime, involving an American ballerina in Europe living with a group of dancers in a big evil boarding-house, is sluggish and dull. Then that hellishly-loud, torturingly-monotonous wall of thundering music sounds and another pointless character is about to die. And on and on it goes.

BAD (ANDY WARHOL)

year: 1977

cast: Carroll Baker, Perry King, Susan Tyrrell, Lawrence Tierney, Joe Lambie

producer: Andy Warhol

rating: ***

A tough middle-aged woman, Carroll Baker, does electrolysis out of her home and runs a female-assassin service on the side. Enter a studly male lodger, Perry King, who joins the band of cold-blooded vixens and... this intoxicating indie follows the nightlife of the sick and twisted throughout New York city as they: drop a car on a mechanic, beat up an old man and his dog, toss a crying infant out a window, plan the murder of an autistic child, and hang around talking about nothing. This isn't a great so-bad-it's-good flick, but then again it's not a terrible b-movie (or rather, d-movie) either. Produced by Andy Warhol, the real actors deliver lines professionally, making you forget the anemic budget.

VALENTINES DAY

title: VALENTINES DAY
year: 2010
cast: Julia Roberts, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner

director: Garry Marshall
rating: *

The Robert Altman style of having a bunch of characters all seemingly unrelated and following their various stories within the same "location" eventually connecting ("Nashville", "A Wedding", "Short Cuts") has been ruined so many times, by so many directors, that yet another lame attempt may not seem a big deal, but this star-studded mess about troubled couples on VALENTINES DAY is not only a preposterous stab at the mazey genre, but one of the worst movies I've ever witnessed. The entire thing feels rushed and pieced together. Although Garry Marshall, the king of hit-or-miss, is at the helm, it feels like no one's in charge; like a crashing plane on auto-pilot or a car on cruise-control driving off a cliff. And just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. To center on each story and pick apart the mistakes would merit a review the size of a Tolstoy novel. But the sappy Ashton Kutcher flower shop tale involving Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and George Lopez is the worst. The Julia Roberts/Bradley Cooper ditty of two strangers on a plane is the weakest. The Anne Hathaway story of a phone sex girl (stolen from SHORT CUTS) is the most annoying. And it all equals one giant mess.

HALLOWEEN (2007)

title: HALLOWEEN

year: 2007

cast: Malcom McDowell

director: Rob Zombie

rating: **

Rob Zombie serves up human beings as fodder, most of them so overly vapid, annoying or evil they're just begging to die. The legendary Michael Myers gets a forty-five minute back-story as a little boy who's about as scary as Jodie Foster in those old Coppertone ads. He's picked on by bullies, has a stripper mom and a white trash cliche-spouting step-father, and eventually goes on a killing spree, gets locked up in an insane asylum, and fifteen years later resembles Cousin It on steroids. He breaks out after slaughtering more deserving-victims, returns to the dilapidated house of his youth, dons his trusty (and iconic) William Shatner mask, and like the John Carpenter film in which this is based: wanders the suburbs in search of his long-long sister. Malcom McDowell's Dr. Loomis is a greedy capitalist who, after having treated Myers for years, pens a best-seller and becomes like a double-agent in a CIA film: find Myers or lose everything. The character Laurie Strode, the focal-point of the original, is but a side-character. And her banal teenage friends, all written to be massacred with no interesting or memorable personality traits (each spouting forgettable filler dialog), become more pudding in the pie. How many times can one stab a human being, and how is this scary? Rob knows a thing or two about shock and gore, but doesn't build an eerie enough stage to merit genuine (implied) horror. Too much lightning without thunder.

EMPEROR OF THE NORTH

title: EMPEROR OF THE NORTH

year: 1973

cast: Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine, Keith Carradine, Matt Clark

director: Robert Aldrich

rating: **

This film has us believe that, during the great depression when hobos made their way jumping trains, the railway workers were about as evil as the Stormtroopers in STAR WARS and Darth Vadar, played by Ernest Borgnine, kills any and all vagrants with a hammer and when Lee Marvin successfully leaps a train, along with young "climber" Keith Carradine, Borgnine has to live up to his reputation and thus a battle between good and evil, Marvin and Borgnine, ensues in this Robert Aldrich actioneer that's directed and edited wonderfully but is as far-fetched and confusing as can be. The actors are great but much of the dialog is pulpy and downright embarrassing. Some terrific fight scenes occur even though the plot derails less than halfway through. A handsome wreck.

KINGS ROW

year: 1942

cast: Robert Cummings, Ronald Reagan, Ann Sheridan

rating: ***1/2

There's something thoroughly hypnotic and intoxicating about this melodrama centering on a handful of unlucky individuals growing up in a strange dusty town the film's named after. Ronald Reagan, never known for his terrific acting ability, has enough charm to make you forget his limited range, and Robert Cummings is his perfect corny counterpart, always seeming ready to break into song - usually a sad one. The best performances are from the ever-competitive envy-ridden women either going insane or just about to. The camera sweeps to all the right angles, the music flows beautifully, but by the end, since most of the storyline jumps to and fro at a rather quick pace, it seems like a condensed epic, raising the enviable question: Where's the rest of it?

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

title: FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

year: 2008

cast: Jason Segal, Kirstin Bell

rating: *

That sarcastic yet vacant way of repeating-the-question in order to question-the-answer that "Hurley" does successfully in LOST is done horribly here - about a million times over - by glib dullard Jason Segal, who somehow, despite looking like Peter Berg and Garry Shandling's lovechild... after breaking up with (and being broken-hearted over) the most gorgeous blonde on earth (named Sarah Marshall) beds down with a handful of other hotties and then meets the most beautiful brunette in the universe and we're supposed to actually feel for this guy? I guess when you're in Hollywood, being a loser is much different than real life. This SWINGERS FOR DUMMIES might possibly be the worst film I've seen in a very long while. Judd Apatow, I'm begging you, buy your soul back!!!

STEP BY STEP

year: 1950

cast: Lawrence Tierney, Anne Jeffreys, Lowell George

rating: ***

Lawrence Tierney plays mean and sinister so naturally it's odd seeing him as a friendly guy who travels around with a cute little doggie. Toned and shirtless on the beach, he meets a pretty girl (Anne Jeffries, his DILLINGER moll) who turns out to be a pawn in the murder of a politician and then Larry, the dog, and the girl, falsely accused, drive around to find the real killers... Or are being chased by the real killers... Aided by a helpful old Motel owner who really loves the camera. It's a lean, fluffy, fun ride - the perfect antidote for the usual dark and shady Tierney outing.

TICK...TICK...TICK...

title: tick...tick...tick...

year: 1970

cast: Jim Brown, George Kennedy, Don Stroud, Mills Watson

rating: *1/2

Imagine, if you will, the plot of BLAZING SADDLES: a newly elected black Sheriff unwanted in a town full of redneck racists. Now imagine it without any humor or purpose other than to show how horrible white people are down South. Whitesploitation at its worst. Some good actors are in it but none're acting too good. Although I do like the title, which is, ironically, the sound coming from what perfectly describes this movie.

CRIMES OF PASSION

title: CRIMES OF PASSION

year: 1984

rating: **1/2

If Brian De Palma, David Cronenberg, David Lynch, Paul Schrader, and John Waters had a baby, it'd grow up to attend the same college as Ken Russell's CRIMES OF PASSION. The title derives from a term of committing legal murder against a wife or husband who's cheating, but is tweaked, in this case, to passion i.e. sexual intercourse being treated like a criminal act i.e. prostitution and what's considered taboo. Enter Kathleen Turner, a fashion designer by day, anything-goes hooker by night... crossing paths with sexually frustrated family man John Laughlin, who's hired by Turner's daytime boss to shadow her nightlife (the boss thinks she's stealing his prototypes). Laughlin learns of her trade and, curious, becomes one of her most loyal, and beloved, customers. On the peripheral is Anthony Perkins, resembling a dilapidated muppet and doing an over-the-top impersonation of what people expect of his post-PSYCHO purgatory career, playing a wacky street preacher out to "save" Turner - only he wants some on the side, and steals a bad movie like a bank manager rips his own bank. 

FADE IN TO MURDER (COLUMBO)

year: 1976
rating: ****

This episode, during one of the final seasons where the writers knew exactly what to deliver, epitomizes everything great about the popular detective series: as scruffy Lt. Columbo busts high class people who think they've pulled off the perfect crime - which the audience sees in punctuating detail in the first fifteen minutes - by pestering them into submission and, while complementing their abilities to aid him at his job, underrates himself as being totally incapable without their help i.e. the bad guys basically screw themselves. William Shatner plays a TV detective, a "fictionalized" Columbo, who kills a woman (Lola Albright as a beautiful cougar) who's taking control of half his paycheck. The murder-motivation is somewhat thin but how Shatner provides his alibi, using Bert Remsen, spiked booze, and an early-model VCR, is quite clever. Several gloriously long scenes involving Falk and Shatner going back and forth with various theories is downright hypnotic: Falk doing what he does best and Shatner pontificating with his iconic halting-speech style which, since he's playing a bad actor, seems like intentional self-parody. Timothy Carey as a cafe owner, and Walter "Chekov" Koenig, provide nifty cameos.

THE ANDERSON TAPES

title: THE ANDERSON TAPES

year: 1971

cast: Sean Connery, Val Avery, Martin Balsam, Christopher Walken, Ralph Meeker, Dyan Cannon

rating: **1/2

Very cool set-up as a gaggle of ex-convicts rob an apartment building (in the future?) replete with wall-to-wall videotapes. How the heist is planned as Sean Connery gathers his gang including a young Christopher Walken, a flaming-gay Martin Balsam, and several others, fares better than when the rushed caper goes down. Despite an annoying score, sounding like BOOKER T & THE MG's on Prozac, there's some terrific visuals; Noir staple Ralph Meeker is fun to watch as an overly-goofy Irish cop; and a side-story involving Val Avery as a doomed mafioso adds needed residual suspense that ultimately, along with the overall conclusion, is somewhat of a let-down... But it's an interesting ride.

ST. ELSEWHERE (SEASON 1)

title: ST. ELSEWHERE (SEASON 1)

year: 1982

cast: Ed Flanders, Norman Lloyd, Denzel Washington, David Morse, Howie Mandel, David Birney, Cynthia Sykes, Terrence Knox, Christina Pickles, William Daniels, Kim Miyori

rating: *****

Putting aside the horrendous fact that the entire show could be the imagination of an austic boy (as implied in the last episode), I see ST. ELSEWHERE... at least in its primal stage... as a show about a REAL LIFE hospital stuck in purgatory and constantly badgered by a determined, pesky demon called Fate. The first season sets up how each character deals with that demon and adjusts into the purgatory setting. Ed Flanders as "Dr. Donald Westphall" gets everything loaded upon him; in his always saddened owlish eyes embody the pains of not only the patients, but the young doctors under his meek, yet always respected, leadership. What doesn't hinder "Westphall" will encroach upon his youthful version, David Morse as the heart-felt, thoroughly involving and ueber-sensitive "Dr. Jack Morrison"... trying to make things better even though that unseen yet always formidable "curse" resides throughout the hallways of "St. Eligus" i.e. "St. Elsewhere", a hospital where people "end up", seemingly without choice. Denzel Washington, as "Dr. Philip Chandler", the only actor to have, after the show's run, make it REALLY big and to win a couple Oscars, keeps his head cool with acute professionalism and, as the only character seemingly immune of the demon, is also an example to the other young doctors by always being in control. You'd think Howie Mandel, as the playful jokey "Dr. Wayne Fiscus", provides only comic relief, but his acting - and character - is on par with the others; his upbeat personality, while distracting the demon, is often made to wrestle with it head-on. Ed Begley Jr., as nerdy yet capable newbie surgeon "Dr. Victor Ehrlich", is connected with the show's protagonist, the uppity chief-surgeon "Dr. Mark Craig", played wonderfully by William Daniels, who, if it were another actor, could have easily been an over-the-top, unrealistic character... both young and old surgeon are perfect loggerheads, keeping each other in check at every turn. Terrance Knox as "Dr. Peter White" begins as a family man but then shows his darker side - this dough-eyed, spacey, robotic and often clumsy doc becomes more and more "possessed" in every episode. David Birney, who only lasted a few seasons, as the handsome, charming ladykiller "Dr. Ben Samuels", who listens to really bad covers of Bruce Springsteen and Police songs while in surgery, does a decent job as the show's sex symbol, but doesn't really fit like the others... the stranger the show gets, the more he's out of place, belonging in a more "normal" hospital. Least I forget the women: the tough-yet-not-overbearing, and downright gorgeous Cynthia Sykes as "Dr. Annie Cavanero", who never backs down to what she believes are the best decisions, even when she's wrong; Kim Miyori as Cavanero's young version - who seems like she could also become another Dr. Craig with her stubborn, often uptight perfectionism; Christina Pickles as the head nurse who becomes somewhat of an overall baseline... And rounding things out is Norman Lloyd as the show's Yoda, the seventy-two year old liver specialist ironically dying of liver cancer who gets a repreive by chemotherapy... making him wiser and a constant advisor to Westphall. (And least I forget some of the special guest stars including the then-non-famous Tom Hulce, Ray Liotta, Tim Robbins, and Michael Madsen... And G.W. Baily as the semi-regular head of the psych-ward, who, like Birney, didn't last long but did a decent enough job). All in all, this is one of the best-acted TV dramas I've ever experienced. All these doctors keeping their sanity intact within the halls of a bustling, eerie hospital where that Demon Fate not only lives, but thrives.

WHO'S HARRY CRUMB?

year: 1988

cast: John Candy

rating: **1/2

Though only providing a few light chuckles, the non-stop adventure of the title character going from place to place i.e. situation to situation slowly figuring out who kidnapped the beautiful daughter of a rich man while learning he's not that incapable filling the shoes at his family-owned detective agency, but always screwing things up, is a decent time-filler. It's John Candy's FLETCH and, while paling to that particular classic starring Chevy Chase, both flicks taking the Film Noir "snoop" genre into the realm of '80s comedy, the late tubby star is given a few moments to shine even if the script is, for the most part, pretty lackluster. But the characters interact well, especially Candy and Shawnee Smith as the younger sister of the kidnapped. You'll be entertained.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

title: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

year: 2004

cast: Jon Hedder

rating: *

The Antichrist of modern comedies, this popular, beloved indie assumes we all adore the title character enough to allow anything and everything to be funny simply because... it's there. If you desire a legitimately moving and thoroughly entertaining slice-of-hellish-small-town-life experience centering on a really ugly kid out-of-step with classmates and family, watch the '90s flick WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE, where the put-upon hero (or in that case, heroine) isn't let off the hook by dancing in front of the campus, one of the biggest cop-outs in underdog-teen-film history. Never before have I witnessed a more "loaded" movie - as if Napoleon himself is creating his own propaganda. And the side-characters are so extremely "odd and quirky", placed like contrived miniatures within an equally-forced bizarro-world setting, they soon become typical and ordinary, and downright tiresome.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

title: YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

year: 1975

cast: Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle

director: Mel Brooks

rating: *1/2

Loving the first two 1930's Frankenstein movies directed by James Whale, there's one segment I enjoyed that parodies those classics, wherein various scenes dissolve in and out quickly (which happens in a lot of old movies - individual scenes lasting only five seconds before fading into a new one) involving a man running into a tree while cautiously creeping through the fog. I think that might have been the only time I laughed out loud. Gene Wilder can be a nifty comedic actor and this movie looks terrific - almost like a Whale production in itself - and quite often I'd forget it was a satire at all. It seemed as if everyone involved in the cast and crew were so happy working together that a really tight script, or really strong punch lines, simply didn't matter. Aided by the gorgeous black and white cinematography and because of the talent involved (including Wilder in the title role, Peter Boyle as the Monster, and Maeline Kahn, as the volt-haired Bride, once again given way too much freedom to adlib), the magic would win out in the end. And I guess, since this is not only considered Mel Brooks best and funniest film (Blazing Saddles is so much better) but one of the premiere comedies ever made, everyone but me gets the last laugh. But for the most part it felt like being at an office party where I didn't work or stuck at someone else's class reunion.

STRAIGHT TIME (NO BEAST SO FIERCE)

year: 1978
rating: ****1/2

Being that it's a film about an ex-convict just outta jail and back on the streets, it could be argued that a seemingly "tougher" actor play the main role...

Only STRAIGHT TIME centers on the determined-stubbornness of the career criminal as opposed to how strong he is. Dustin Hoffman, as scruffy hedgehoggish Max Dembo, portrays the con as someone who, though he may try at first, simply cannot change. At first it has to do with his bullying parole officer, played with subtle villainous perfection by M. Emmet Walsh (who's just as stubborn on the other side of the coin), who pushes Max over the edge...

But then its the fact he just can't hold a job unless it has to do with sticking up liquor stores, robbing pawn shops, banks and eventually a jewelry store...

Max realizes, even though he has a dream girl played byTheresa Russell, that the life of crime is the only thing he does well...

Hoffman has played many eclectic roles, disappearing into most; but here he's right up front as an urban loser who sees only what he's after. Hoffman's criminal isn't a muggy goon, but rather, a selfish jerk (with some "brat" thrown in) - things usually left out of con flicks and replaced with muscular tattoos.

Hoffman's Max is working class as opposed to badass: wielding with wormlike precision the skills of a trade that could possibly merit a big payoff, which isn't easy; as a bonus we experience the meticulous planning for each caper. Gary Busey and Harry Dean Stanton, as his ex-convict buddies, both, like Hoffman, are more badger than wolverine, fitting with the realistic aura of the piece...

But what makes this movie truly shine is how each scene dealing with Dembo's progression (or regression) keeps the viewer not only entertained but thoroughly engrossed in the outcome (Hoffman taking his time while robbing the bank and jewelry store will put you on the edge of your seat, and just as frustrated as partner Harry Dean Stanton... It was Hoffman's choice to drag both scenes, adding tension I've never experienced during any cinematic heist). And of course, much credit can be given to writer Edward Bunker (Mr. Blue from "Reservoir Dogs), the real life/lifelong convict-author who co-wrote the script based on his first novel NO BEAST SO FIERCE. It's a terrific read but I like the movie even better.

FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN

title: FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN

year: 1943

cast: Lon Chaney Jr., Bela Lugosi, Maria Ouspenskaya

rating: **

Find a way to get two interesting characters together and see what develops could be the setup for either a stage play or a porno film. Here, in what I assumed (at that time) was a much anticipated meeting of the monsters, The Wolf Man seems to be alive - that is, he's not in his grave - and "Frankenstein" is frozen in ice. Wolfie, chased by an angry mob, finds Frank, thaws him out, and now they're both being hunted. Weak doesn't begin to describe it. Lon Chaney is a bag of hammers and plaster-masked Bela Lugosi's doing a Boris Karloff impression, and badly.

THE WOLF MAN

year: 1941

cast: Lon Chaney Jr., Claude Rains, Ralph Bellamy, Bela Lugosi, Maria Ouspenskaya

rating: ***

Moody and atmospheric sums this up wonderfully; alas, there's not much more. Gorgeously hypnotic to look at and a somewhat involving experience but there's not enough adventure, or... um... scary parts. Lon Chaney Jr. is, they say, a classic actor... but he reminds me of "Sam the Butcher" from "The Brady Bunch", only taller (no offense to Allan Melvin). The poem about the wolf bane is (annoyingly) repeated more times than the word "sex" in PORKY'S and... well it's wonderfully photographed and Chaney's rudimentary transformation is cool (the neat collage right before the tip-toed wolf boots)... but overall, in the Universal Picture's Monster Movie canon, this one's a bit of a howler. Claude Rains is good, like always, and Maria Ouspenskaya (try saying that five times quick... or even one time slowly) as the prophetic gypsy, all but steals the picture. And one particular scene, involving Chaney, already a marked man, entering church to the chagrin of the congregation, is nothing short of miraculous.

BORN TO KILL RELOCATED

title: BORN TO KILL

year: 1947

cast: Lawrence Tierney, Claire Trevor, Walter Slezak, Philip Terry, Audrey Long, Elisha Cook, Esther Howard

director: Robert Wise

rating: ***

CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BORN TO KILL REVIEW AT THE NEW CULT FILM FREAK SITE

THE MECHANIC

cast: Charles Bronson, Jan-Michael Vincent, Keenan Wynn, Linda Ridgeway

director: Michael Winner
year: 1972

rating: ***1/2

The first fifteen minutes, as Charles Bronson, a professional hit man i.e. Mechanic, elaboratly sets up a score planting explosives in an apartment across the street from where he's holed up in a shabby motel... then eventually succeeding in his endeavor... is truly incredible. The rest of the movie, as Bronson takes Jan Michael-Vincent as a student-assassin under his wing, is HIT and miss, the misses occurring as Bronson ponderously philosophizes about why hit man do what they do and what drives them (and an incredibly bad scene involving real-life wife Jill Ireland as a love-struck lush). But when the action happens... dirt bike chases are always great... and then as we approach a conclusion, realizing Bronson's student may have learned too much too soon... Things fall into neatly place as we're poised to learn which killer truly knows best.

COLLATERAL

title: COLLATERAL

year: 2002

cast: Tom Cruise, Jamie Fox

director: Michael Mann

rating: **1/2

Not really a fan of Jamie Fox, sometimes a Tom Cruise fan and haven't liked a Michael Mann flick in ages (and despised "Heat"), so I didn't think I'd enjoy this movie but I really dug the first hour. Tom Cruise, with a frosted buzz and robotically-adaptive intensity (he hasn't been this good in ages) is Vincent, a hit man who hires a dreamer cabbie Max (Fox) to drive him to each of his kills... with a gun to his head Max complies on this odyssey and it's a skillfully-paced cat-and-mouse game until half-way through when things morph into a typical big-budget high-octane "pumping action thriller" with an stunningly unrealistic shootout in a crowded rave-nightclub and a drawn-out climax involving Vincent (who, at this point, has become Freddy Kruger) going after Max's dreamgirl. It's a damn shame. Things were genuinely amazing for that first hour, providing a laidback, dialog-driven, psychologically-intense neo-noir mob flick by Michael Mann who, I guess, felt he had to channel Michael Bay to drive things home... And it takes a long time to get there.

MR. MAJESTYK

year: 1974

cast: Charles Bronson, Al Lettieri, Lee Purcell, Paul Koslo, Linda Cristal, Jordan Rhodes

director: Richard Fleischer
writer: Elmore Leonard

rating: ****1/2

Charles Bronson as a smart-alack is a neat change... as most of Elmore Leonard's heroes do run off at the mouth... yet he still kicks ass like only Bronson can, but this bravado has brains as a watermelon farmer (yes, you heard that right) is being hunted by a professional (and famous) hit-man after a successful prison break gone-bad... for the kill. I'm leaving a lot out here because it's a movie you have to watch fresh to truly enjoy. One of the few times we're graced with the presence of the late great Al Lettieri, best known as "Solotzo" in THE GODFATHER and "Rudi" in THE GETAWAY, and who unfortunately died shortly after production. Al's the thug, Lee Purcell is his gorgeous moll, and the "Tuco" (third banana) of the film, Paul Koslo as "Bobby Koppas", rounds out the cast as a shifty loser caught in-between. While Bronson tries hard to keep his melon crop going despite the odds... he eventually leads the dangerous but rurally-naive city thugs into the mountains where, like John J. Rambo in "First Blood", he holds all the cards. Action, adventure, and some terrific dialog make this a thinking-man's man's-man movie.

AVATAR

title: AVATAR

year: 2009

cast: Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver

writer/director: James Cameron

rating: *1/2

The first twenty minutes, although we're quickly force-fed the plot of a crippled marine going to a planet called Pandora where his counterpart "Avatar", clone to the indigenous natives, will seek trust in these tall blue Na'vi (all this happening while he, in human form, lays a tanning booth and guides the creature) in order to abduct a mineral to take back to earth (symbolizing oil, of course)... isn't bad, seeming as if a young James Cameron, who directed "Aliens", "The Terminator" and "The Terminator 2" with flowing precision, is at the helm. We're on a terrific adventure and it looks pretty neat: like a Roger Dean "Yes" album cover with motion. But then something happens: Once within the forest, separated from his fellow troops, the Avatar discovers he digs the peace-loving natives more than stupid humans, falls in love with the hottest of the tall blue elf-folk, and after taming a flying dragon and bedding down the babe, he's "one of the gang" way too quickly. Most of the action of the film's first half, pitting our hero against forest-dwelling predators, is (in a visual and directorial sense) straight out of JURASSIC PARK; the thrills eventually taking a backseat to drawn-out new-age ceremonies and cheesy dialog too horrible to repeat. And when the big battle ensues... The Honest Natives Vs The Greedy Americans... the vague, undeveloped characters get lost within the expensive flash. AVATAR, filmed in 3D but with 1D everything else, in trying to blend science-fiction, fantasy, romance, and a big bright moral message, ends up mirroring Cameron's view of the American Military: overwrought, overpriced and completely brain-dead.

JUNIOR

title: JUNIOR

year: 1994

cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, Emma Thompson, Lawrence Tierney

rating: *

One of the most unnecessary films ever made, this lame and lazy production, a reboot of the Billy Crystal comedy RABBIT TEST in which a man gets pregnant, is plain awful. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a scientist and Danny DeVito a baby doctor, and together, in order to save their serum which will aid in pregnancy, or something, make Arnold pregnant by drinking medicine and then, as he comes to term he gets in touch with his feminine side. The only problem is, his character in this movie is sensitive from the beginning, so there's no character-arc and the joke is completely futile: like the rest of the movie.

THE TWELVE CHAIRS

title: THE TWELVE CHAIRS

year: 1970

cast: Ron Moody, Frank Langella, Mel Brooks, Dom Deluise, David Lander

director: Mel Brooks

rating: **1/2

In Russia, after the revolution, a woman is dying and tells a relative, Ron Moody, of 12 chairs, left in their old home, one of which has jewels inside worth a lot of money. He goes in search of that one chair and along the way meets... to his chargin... a charming (and very young and actually good looking) Frank Langella as a drifter/womanizer/con-man who learns of the chair, ex-servent Mel Brooks (ultra wacky, as usual) and last but not least a shockingly thin Dom DeLuise as a crooked priest acting on his own (the "Tuco Ramirez" of the film). Everyone wants the loot and it's a lot of scrambling around, several scenes done in fast motion which gets pretty annoying. The cast, especially Langella and Moody, are talented enough to where, at certain times, you wish it was a drama or adventure. As a comedy it's just not that funny, and bouts of slapstick interfere with the overall mission. But the characters are likable and the premise is interesting enough. A semi-decent time-passer.

HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

title: HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

year: 2002

cast: Sig Haig, Michael J. Pollard, Erin Daniels, Karen Black

writer/director: Rob Zombie

rating: *

I enjoyed the purposely-cheesy dialog in the beginning, with Sig Haig and Michael J. Pollard as two hicks in the middle of nowhere. Haig is "Captain Spaulding", a cocky trickster in clown garb who runs a gas station/oddity-museum/freak-show and... well... Pollard sort of disappears after a robbery occurs, blood is spilt in a Tarantino fashion and then two couples (who seem from the nineties yet it's set in the seventies) happen upon this odd little town and are very deserving to be butchered, you know, like in all horror movies. But these folks are simply BEGGING for it - and the hick family who takes them in seem more than willing to oblige. Rob Zombie really knows his stuff; though I'm still not sure what it is. Along with THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE I'm sure he was inspired by Troma's MOTHER'S DAY, which has murderous hillbillies pointlessly torturing and killing innocent city folk in a lot more coherent fashion, and without random images flashing like a music video. There's too much going on to be scary; too much gore to be fun. The oddball clan (of which veterans Karen Black and Dennis Fimple are members) are more cartoonish than creepy. The main baddie resembles a concert pianist possessed by Beetlejuice. And the prop-saturated town in which the targeted victims are hunted feels like Tim Burton's version of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, with entrails. If only the entire film took place in Captain Spaulding's bizarro lair... It was a lot cooler, scarier and way more inspired than anything that followed...

COMMANDO

year: 1985

cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger

rating: ****

What makes a fun-to-love-dumb-as-hell-action-picture really great is how well it carries from one scene to the next, all the while the just-easy-enough-to-follow plot (a retired commando trying to rescue his kidnapped daughter) remaining intact as the main character kicks more and more ass killing more and more bad guys leading to an out-and-out climatic glory where, in this particular case, one man kills about a thousand heavily-armed soldiers without batting an eyelid. This is one of the best vapid action flicks ever made, and Arnold has never been more addictive in his simplistic tough guy persona. B-master Mark L. Lester's direction keeps you thoroughly involved in who'll try snuffing Arnold next and, more importantly, how he'll return the favor, permanently. Top notch, brilliant idiocy from beginning to end.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

title: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

year: 2005

cast: Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Randy Quaid, Anne Hathaway

director: Ang Lee

rating: *1/2

Politically-correct types, in their usual knee-jerk manner, defending anything having to do with homosexuality, will shout these words if any related subject is brought up: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". So if someone is to say: "There's a film about two young men who fall in love", they'll shout: "IT DOESN'T MATTER". And in that, I totally agree. Yet if someone just happens to point out: "This movie is weak with no real plot and two shallow characters with no reason to be attracted to each other, other than both being attractive and alone on a lonely mountain"... I guess "IT DOESN'T MATTER". But it does to me, because any romance - whether centered on a man and woman - woman and woman - or man and man - has to be more than just "groundbreaking". There needs both chemistry and reason for that chemistry, so that the relationship, continuing to grow despite the odds, will truly and genuinely... MATTER!

AN AMERICAN CAROL

title: AN AMERICAN CAROL

year: 2008

cast: Kevin Farley, Kelsey Grammer, Robert Davi, Dennis Hopper, Jon Voight, Leslie Neilson, Gary Coleman

director: David Zucker

rating: **

Since Hollywood's primary-default is on a permenent left wing setting (more implied than preached, but usually quite obvious), it takes right wingers to kick and scream in a childlike "Listen to me" manner - that is, they have to make the most of their two seconds in the spotlight. Well they got their chance to shine, bagging on Michael Moore and his I-dress-poorly-but-am-worth-a-billion-bucks hypocrisy, but, other than a few good jabs about the supposedly pristine Cuban healthcare system and Hollywood fat-cats gorging themselves during a charity dinner for starving children... This comedy, about a left wing documentarian being shown how great America is by three ghosts, ala Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, falls completely flat. Kevin Farely, brother of Chris, although a dead ringer for the obese Oscar winning target-at-hand, overacts in the main role, seeming more like a sloppily wayward party animal than a shifty documentarian with an agenda. CAROL makes the mistake that occured in NAKED GUN 3 - dealing too much with the characters and situations as each individual joke gets more and more stale. Until, at the end, we just don't care about the parody or the characters (in these kind of AIRPLANE! type movies, the jokes have to carry the characters; without which, there's a house built of sand). Nice try, guys. But you'll have to do a lot better when you're given another chance - in twenty or thirty years.

HEAVY METAL

title: HEAVY METAL

year: 1981

rating: ***

The sexually explicit, violently-glorious cartoon is tops for about an hour, and then, during the last thirty minutes involving the searing, pointless journey of a gorgeous sword-wielding chick who flies a giant turkey (which is the movie/album/poster/VHS/DVD image), the animators get carried away by their own visual talents, abandoning the energetically flowing pace of the first hour involving wanton babes shedding their clothes and monstrous heads being hacked-off with some cool tunes (few of them actually heavy metal) as we follow the handoff-journey of a murderous space-born green orb through the lives of characters such as a Film-Noir-esque cabbie (voiced by Robert Romanus i.e. "Mikey" from MEAN STREETS); a nerdy kid who becomes a bald strongman on another planet; zombies making a WWII flying ace's life a living hell; and several other deliciously weird tales. John Candy, providing voices for a few characters, takes you out of the escapist-factor just a bit... but no matter. It's still a dynamic visual treat. And then some. 

CUTTER'S WAY

year: 1981

cast: Jeff Bridges, John Heard

rating: *1/2

John Heard, who'll either play a really nice guy or a complete jerk, is miscast as a crippled Vietnam war Vet named "Cutter," who'd have fared better with Frederic Forrest or Nick Nolte donning an eye patch and long hair. Heard seems to have a lotta fun spouting tons (and I mean, TONS) of drunken devil-may-care dialog, but still seems like he's being a pirate for Halloween. Jeff Bridges as "Bone" is a bit more natural as Cutter's yacht-selling playboy buddy who, one night after a one-night stand, witnesses a rich, powerful man (this we find out later) throwing away a dead woman's body into a trash can. And then, as fate (or really bad writing) would have it, the next day he JUST HAPPENS to see the same man as the head of a parade. Then it's up to Cutter to talk the reluctant Bone into doing the underdog thing... to turn in this powerful, greedy killer... after which our grungy heroes, with the moral badge of hippiedom screaming from their shoulders, fight to survive. Rarely have I seen so many actors trying to outdo each other: And all lose the race.

I CONFESS

title: I CONFESS

year: 1953

cast: Montgomery Clift

director: Alfred Hitchock

rating: **

I confess, I'm a big time Hitchock fan. I confess, I had never seen this movie until yesterday. And I confess, this one didn't do it for me. The Master seemed on sabbatical - I didn't feel his presence at all. I must also confess... I didn't even watch the entire movie. I guess I should now review the dream I had while sleeping through most of it...

DISH DOGS

Shawna Anderson Dish Dogs

title: DISH DOGS

rating: 2000

cast: Sean Astin, Matthew Lillard, Brian Dennehy, Shannon Elizabeth, Shawna Anderson

rating: **

Two guys wash dishes and philosophize about life. Sean Astin, the one who really wants to be a philosopher by quoting... philosophers all the time; the other, Matthew Lillard, likes hanging out with Astin but is more into chicks and good times, and eventually gets back with his girlfriend and then, to the chagrin of Astin - who's quest is to always search but never find - wants to get married. The first half is entertainingly dumb fun as the two buddies drive around, wash dishes in various restaurants, talk about life (sometimes with their fat hippie guru, Brian Dennehy), surf, and go to a strip club... where Astin meets the girl of his dreams, Shannon Elizabeth. And we're supposed to believe that she falls in love with him, but that's alright. By the time this happens, you'll wanna press eject anyway, because the last half of the movie - after Astin and Lillard "split up" after a really stupid argument - falls under the weight of its own pretensions by trying too hard to be deep. (And the reason I rented this straight-to-video turkey was to see a girl I was in a Christian elementary school with as a stripper... For that, it was worth the money.)

EVICTED

year: 2000

cast: Michael Tierney, Lawrence Tierney

rating: *

Two... no, three guys drive around L.A., drink beer, and throw their cans out the window. Wait, it's a convertible - there's no window. Did I mention, two of them live in an apartment and are about to get... what's the name of the movie again? So to go out in a blaze, they throw a party. Here's where we hit a very long snag. The party itself doesn't flow like a party should. And then, during the bash, scenes involving the main character, after dropping acid, dreaming in a bathtub about running for President while rapping in front of an American flag... Wow. Actually, this part drew me back into the so-bad-it's-fun aspect that's lost during the party. This indie-indie was written-directed-produced-scored by Michael Tierney, son of little-known actor Ed Tierney, the brother of iconic film noir legends Lawrence Tierney and Scott Brady (Terence, Scott's son, co-stars). Uncle Larry (DILLINGER, BORN TO KILL, RESERVOIR DOGS) appears as "Bob", an old man who gives Michael advice on life. "Get A Job... Buy New Shoes... Don't Do Drugs". If the film stuck with the three young slackers hanging and drinking cheap (generic) beer, without the party (or a very confusing side-story involving a gangster with a briefcase) to encapsulate a reason or... dare I say, plot... the losers-with-nothing-to-lose theme would've served a better purpose of having no purpose at all (and deeper, more involved dialog with Lawrence Tierney would have been helpful). Scenes involving a Vietnam vet landlord playing with toy soldiers doesn't help things any (although he is a real actor). And the performances of the three young leads, well... let's say they don't try very hard... and they're not good enough for that to be intentional.

THE GETAWAY (SAM PECKINPAH)

year: 1972

rating: *****

The opening credit sequence alone, a montage of Steve McQueen as "Doc McCoy" in prison, shows more of the loneliness, solitude and torture of being locked up than some films that take place entirely behind bars. When he's set free on a "special parole"... he's got an assignment to rob a bank. Along with his wife and two thugs, both working for crime boss Ben Johnson... the goons played by Al Lettieri and Bo Hopkins... the heist is a success and failure both. That is, they got the money but there was a murder of a guard - and now all three robbers - Hopkins being killed by Lettieri - are on the run. This is, to me, the best action film ever made, flowling smoothly from one little adventure to the next... all enveloped within the main goal - to get to the border with the loot: our heroes having to avoid being caught by cops, killed by Lettieri, and keeping their relationship intact. The only drawback are the acting of... or rather, the non-acting of Ali McGraw... who most of the time delivers her lines as if she were heavily medicated on barbiturates; and Sally Struthers, playing Al Lettieri's moll, grates heavily on the nerves. But that stuff doesn't hinder the outcome. THE GETAWAY is pure Peckinpah perfection all the way. "Punch it, baby!"

MONSTER-IN-LAW

title: MONSTER-IN-LAW

year: 2005

cast: Jane Fonda, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Vartan

rating: *1/2

Most blame Jennifer Lopez and her big butt (which she makes fun of here) for this movie not being good, but it's Jane Fonda, who simply doesn't have the chops to play a love-to-hate character. Jane has always amazed me how, in every film, she delivers each line perfectly, has the moves down just right, seems to really know how to perform but without being ENTIRELY lost in character (like a fish half out of water). And being completely in-character's what was really needed here, and just doesn't happen. Fonda is the mother of a dapper, really skinny, permanent-five-o-clock-shadowed guy (Michael Vartan) who Lopez is about to marry, and tries to keep that from happening by faking insanity and thus driving Lopez away. But there's nothing to make us thirst for Lopez and hubby to be punished, much like, for example, in watching FATAL ATTRACTION, the audience gets thoroughly addicted to Glenn Close making Michael Douglas and Anne Archer's life hell. I realize this is a comedy and that isn't... but it's the same template - and there's simply not enough reasons for Fonda's "monster" to gulp up her victim - or, more importantly, for the audience to enjoy it. Both Fonda and Lopez, as loggerheads, have zero chemistry. And as for husband Michael Vartan... dude, EAT SOMETHING!

SIN CITY

year: 2005

cast: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, Nicky Katt

rating: *

The look of this movie and THE SPIRIT, both written by "Graphic Novel" guru Frank Miller, is the same: scantly hand-drawn, purposely cheap looking discolored backdrops. Whatever this "new look"...feeling as if a punchdrunk Roger Rabbit molested cheap Japanese anime while giving birth to a braindead Matrix wannabe... is called, it should be forever done away with. This vapid, tacky mess, directed by Robert Rodriguez and with a "special director credit" to Quentin Tarantino, both who've gotten mossy in their middle age... is simply horrible. Porno-esque slowly timed acting and gloriously lame violence all seems like a lonely comic book reader euphorically visualizing his melodramatic dream-film.

TO BE OR NOT TO (1982)

Starts out decently enough, and surprisingly different for Mel Brooks to direct a remake: something that isn't a parody of a serious genre or a humorous take on historical events...

But then the set up, of a husband and wife who are famous stage performers in Poland who, when Hitler takes over, has to close up their theater, becomes an overlong skit involving Brooks and real-life wife Anne Bancroft, with the aid of a sad throwaway role by ANIMAL HOUSE star Tim Matheson as a love-struck soldier: The entire menagerie playing an elaborate scheme on the Nazis that gets way too complicated for it's own good in this remake of a Jack Benny 1940's vehicle (when ensemble comedies were the norm)... Not only do all the wires get tangled up within each other, there's way too many to begin with. And it's understandable turning the Nazis into complete buffoons, especially when spoofing them... but in doing so it takes away any valid threat, making it meaningless to have to trick or defeat them in the first place. Score: **1/2